Adventures in Argyle

My version of Best of Cleveland

Last week, Scene unveiled the 2013 edition of Best of Cleveland, which can also be called, "The most anticipated release besides Great Lakes Christmas Ale and the Chuck Norris Total Gym Workout Machine."

It was a hit and covered the best and brightest Cleveland has to offer.

After giving this year's selected categories a once-over, I noticed there were some glaring omissions that I felt needed to be added. I immediately contacted Top Men about the oversights and my editor addressed it much like he does all my emails -- he ignored me. So I went a head and took the liberty of doing my own "Best of Cleveland 2013," complete with the categories that were neglected and my chosen winners.

 Best Place To Take A Dump

 The South Side

When it comes to dropping the Cosby kids off at the pool, there is not a better restroom to have your pants dropped around your ankles then The South Side in Tremont. The spacious and always clean stall will want you coming back for more. You will never find yourself saying, "Are they out of toilet paper?", because The South Side does a great job of always having it in stock. Not only is it in stock, they go the extra mile and provide their guests with a three-ply that's absorbent, soft, and strong. Get there early because these bathrooms will fill-up quick. 

Best RTA Driver 

Artis Hughes

There were no other RTA bus drivers in the running once this category was decided. Artis Hughes, whose uppercut to the jaw of an irate female passenger got captured on a video and went viral, is now known by millions around the world. The video got so popular that it actually threw Artis "Under the Bus" and cost him his job. Even though he's known for the incident, it got lost in the shuffle that he always came to work on time and always obeyed the traffic laws. Judging on that alone, that makes him the best RTA Bus Driver in the Cleveland area. 

Best Place To "Dine And Dash"

My Friends in Lakewood 

This was a very close victory but it edged out Diana's on 117th in Lakewood. The waiters/waitresses are uber friendly here and extremely trusting, especially in late night situations. It is a perfect place to walk out on a tab because it's open 24 hours and the 2 a.m. rush can make things hectic and confusing for the employees on the clock. If you like not paying for scrambled eggs, chocolate chip pancakes, powdered mashed potatoes and crispy bacon, you'll love this place. Just act like you're going to the restroom and make a quick exit to the car.

 Best Wedding DJ Named "Hot Carl"

 Hot Carl

 Try to name a better one? You can't! Hot Carl wins every time!

Best White Guy That Plays For The

Cleveland Cavaliers

 Luke Walton

 Forward Luke Walton edges out rookie forward Tyler Zeller in this category. Even though Tyler Zeller is technically "whiter" than him, Luke is a nine-year vet as a white guy in the NBA and even has championship rings. Those two things alone made him a "Slam Dunk" for the award. Since he's white, it made him a "Lay-up" for the award.

 Best Hall & Oates Cover-band

 I Can't Believe It's Not Hall & Oates

 A lot of people are probably giving me heat on this one considering I play John Oates opposite to Mike Polk playing Daryl Hall in this cover band. However, you can't deny they (we) are Northeast Ohio's premiere Hall & Oates Cover-band even if you're a fan of the other Hall & Oates cover bad, "Private Us" out of Mentor. The guys in "Private Us" don't even own wigs or a mustache. How can you take that band seriously for this award?

Best Beach To Step On A Hypodermic Needle And Get Shit On By Pigeon At The Same Time

Edgewater Beach 

If there was ever a beach where you could step on a hypodermic needle and get shit on by a pigeon at the same time, it is Edgewater. This tropical Cleveland paradise is the perfect place to get away if you want to hide a body. It's constantly frequented by creepy guys trolling the parking lots and people who don't wear shirts who should probably wear shirts at all times. It's basically like going to the Caribbean if you are a resident of Parma.

Best Minority Restaurant Worker

 Eric "Moogooo" Dixon

Whether it's cooking amazing food, bringing up ice to the bar or unclogging a toilet, there is no better Jack-of-all-trades person in the service industry. Not only can the guy do anything, he hasn't had a day off since May. 4th 1986.


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