Adventures in Argyle

How to meet your soulmate in Cleveland

Hey, how's it going? Having a good time here at [name any random bar on West. 25th or in Tremont]? So, where you from?

 I guess it really doesn't matter since about eight months from now I'll probably cringe every time the city of your origin is brought up by someone in conversation. But just for routine and unoriginality, where are you from anyway? Better yet, what do you do for a living? This stuff will be good to know because I'm going to probably despise you and everything about you in about eight months. So let's keep up this mindless conversation that will eventually lead to us hooking up later back at my place. I know you probably don't realize it yet, but you will most likely be the biggest mistake of my life. And with my dating history, that is saying a lot. So, can I get you another over-priced drink?

How many brothers and sisters do you have? How old is your mom? Where does your dad work again? What was the longest relationship you ever had? Come on, start answering these questions, because we need to build that spark and force a chemistry that we will be pretending to have in order to justify us hooking up in about two hours from now. Seriously though, I think you're simply "fascinating" because you played volleyball in high school, I really do!

 Let's take a picture together and tag in on Facebook! Come on, this will be the perfect thing to delete in about eight months when I am cursing your name to the top of my lungs. CHEESE! Let's take a few more, can't have enough of these to untag.

 That was fun! We're having so much fun getting to know each other in this crowded West 25th or Tremont bar we're at, so are you ready to head back to my place and make more mistakes? Let's hurry, because we only have eight months to go until this is all just a horrible memory that I'll want to erase from my mind forever. Come on, let's go!

 Wow! I can't believe we went all the way on the first night! That should have been a warning sign but I'm looking at this amazing connection and bond we have. I can talk to you all night, so let's do a little pillow talk. Tell me about your family again, because I'm looking forward to coming into their lives and getting to know them, only to have your father say, "Stay the hell away from her," later on down the road. I hope he was in the military, or better yet, a cop! That's going to make it extra intimidating.

 What else can we do? Oh yeah, do you want to go ahead and cheat on me now, or do you want to wait eight months until I really start developing feelings for you? Better wait. It'll make it more difficult and painful for me that way. But I'm giving you the option to do it now so we can get it out of the way...You know what, let's just wait to do it later? Cool? Let's just start falling for each other right now. It's going to be amazing that we'll eventually start having thoughts of wanting to kill each other in a few months! Weeee!

 So how many kids do you want? It really doesn't matter, because we'll never have them together. In fact, because of you, I'll never want them with anyone! Right now though, you are feeling like my soulmate. So keep talking about yourself and how you're "spiritual." Fascinating stuff!

 Guess what? I have a secret for you. While you were droning on about your last relationship I was thinking about how I was going to spend close to eight thousand of my hard-earned dollars on you in the months to come. Seriously! I'm going to take you out to fancy dinners at trendy place that I hate. We'll catch a bunch of over-priced movies about vampires with nice abs. I'll even periodically surprise you with flowers at work so you can feel important in front of your co-workers. Oh, I'm not done, and neither is my Visa check card. I'm going to buy you expensive clothes and spoil you with jewelry, only to look back on eight months and the eight thousand bucks that I pissed away into a wind. How perfect is this going to be? A DUI would have been a better investment than you.

 Well, I had better be getting you home. I don't want to keep you out too late. We've got a lot of agony, wasted time, and heartbreak ahead of us to get to, so I want to get a good night's rest. Lord knows I won't have many for a while after this.

 So, great! It was so nice meeting you, and I'll call you tomorrow to spend money on you and have sex with you again. And thanks for ruining my life, you soulless wretch! 

 What's that, you have something to tell me? You already have a boyfriend? Perfect, I'll pick you up for dinner tomorrow. Pier W it is!

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