Savage Love: Dicks Deluxe

Dear Dan,

I'm a 33-year-old straight guy with a small dick. I have a girlfriend of seven years. When we met, I was really insecure and she had to spend a lot of time reassuring me that it didn't matter — she loved my dick, sex with me was great, it was big enough for her, etc. I broke up with her once because I didn't think she should settle for someone so small. After some hugely painful nights and another near breakup, we are in a good place now. We have lots of great vanilla sex, we love being together, and we recently got engaged. After everything I put her through — and I put her through hell — how do I tell her that being mocked (and worse) for having a small dick is the only thing I ever think about when I masturbate? I want a woman to punish me emotionally and physically for having such a small and inadequate dick. There's porn about my kink, but I didn't discover it until long after I was aware of my interest. (I grew up in a weird family that lived "off the grid," and I didn't get online until I got into college at age 23.) I've never been able to bring myself to tell anyone about my kink. How do I tell this woman? I basically bullied her into telling me that my dick was big enough — and now I want her to tell me it isn't big enough. But do I really want her to? I've never actually experienced the kind of insulting comments and physical punishments that I fantasize about. What if the reality is shattering?

­—Tense In New York

"I was in a similar situation years ago with my then-girlfriend, now-wife," said TP. "I was too chicken to tell her about my fetish and worried she wasn't satisfied with my size, so I didn't want to bring more attention to it. I eventually went to a pro Domme and felt guilty about doing it behind my girlfriend's back."

TP, which stands for Tiny Prick, is a prominent member of the SPH (small penis humiliation) fetish scene. TP is active on Twitter (@deliveryboy4m) and maintains a blog devoted to the subjects of SPH (his passion) and animal rights (a subject his Domme is passionate about) at

"I got really lucky because I found the Domme I've been serving for more than 10 years," said TP. "It was my Domme who encouraged me to bring up my kinks with my wife. I only wish I had told my wife earlier. She hasn't turned into a stereotypical dominatrix, but she was open to incorporating some SPH play into our sex life."

According to TP, TINY, you've already laid the groundwork for the successful incorporation of SPH into your sex life: You're having good, regular and satisfying vanilla sex with your partner.

"TINY's partner is happy with their sex life, so he knows he can satisfy a woman," said TP. "That will help to separate the fantasy of the humiliation from the reality of their strong relationship. I know if I wasn't having good vanilla sex, it would be much harder to enjoy the humiliation aspect of SPH."

When you're ready to broach the subject with the fiancee, TINY, I would recommend starting with both an apology ("I'm sorry again for what I put you through") and a warning ("What I'm about to say is probably going to come as a bit of a shock"). Then tell her you have a major kink you haven't disclosed, tell her she has a right to know about it before you marry, tell her that most people's kinks are wrapped up with their biggest fears and anxieties ... and she'll probably be able to guess what you have to tell her before you can get the words out.

"He should explain to her that he doesn't want to be emotionally hurt as much as he wants to feel exposed and vulnerable, and that can be a thrill," said TP. "It can be hard for people to understand how humiliation can be fun. But humiliation play is one way to add a new dynamic to their sexual relationship."

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