Savage Love: Curious Minds

I recently spoke at Curious Minds Weekend in Toronto at the Hot Docs Ted Rogers Cinema. Audience members submitted questions before the show — anonymously — but the moderator, Lisan Jutras of the Globe and Mail, and I were having so much fun talking that we didn't get to many cards. So I'm going to answer as many of the questions from the audience as I can this week.

Dear Dan,

My husband and I have been seeking a third for a threesome. After a very palpable night of flirtation, I asked a mutual friend if he would be down for a threesome. He said yes, but I was not about to spring him on my husband that night. So I texted him later about it, and he has ignored me. What should I take from this?

The hint.

Dear Dan,

A friend's BF won't go down on her no matter how much she asks. She still won't break up with him, even though she told me that oral is the only way she has ever had an orgasm. How do I get her to realize her sexual pleasure is a priority?

If your friend's BF doesn't know oral is the only way she can orgasm, she should tell him. If she told him and he doesn't care, she should dump him. If she told him and he doesn't care and she won't dump him, you're not obligated to listen to her complain.

Dear Dan,

I'm a bisexual 42-year-old female with an extremely high sex drive. How do I deal with friends — even people at a sex club — who think you're a freak because "women aren't supposed to be horny all the time."

If your friends — presumably people you aren't fucking — complain that you're horny all the time, maybe it's because you don't talk about anything other than the sex you just had or the sex you hope to have soon. If people at sex clubs (!) are complaining about how horny you are ... either you've accidentally wandered into a yacht club or even people at a sex club wanna talk about something other than sex every once in a while.

Dear Dan,

My very Christian friend is about to get married. Though she is socially very liberal, she is pretty sexually repressed. I want to do something to encourage her to explore her sexuality. How weird would it be to buy her a vibrator as a shower present?

Don't give your friend a vibrator at her shower — gifts are opened in front of guests at showers — but go ahead and send her one. Tell her it's a pre-bachelorette-party gift.

Dear Dan,

Two guys divorced in order to bring a third man into their relationship on equal terms, and they now plan to start a family with their sisters acting as surrogates. Thoughts?

Mazel tov?

Dear Dan,

I am 31. My husband (newly married) is 46, almost 47. He takes FOREVER to come, no matter what I do. How do we speed up this process? My jaw, fingers, etc., are all very sore.

Your husband speeds up the process by incorporating self-stimulation breaks into the blowjobs, handjobs, etcetera-jobs you're giving him. He strokes himself while you take a quick breather and/or an Advil, he gets himself closer, you get back to work.

Dear Dan,

I'm 47 and my wife is 31. I take a lot longer to come and recover than she would like. Could you please explain to her that it's normal for a man my age to "slow down" and it's not her?

Yes, it's normal for a man to slow down as he ages — it's not her — and there are younger men who take a long time to come. But such men need to take their partners' physical limitations into consideration. They need to take matters into their own hands. They should enjoy that blowjob, handjob, twatjob, or assjob, take breaks to stroke their own dicks, bring themselves to the point of orgasmic inevitability, and end by plunging back into that mouth, fist, twat, or ass to blow their load.

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