Savage Love: Hard Limits

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Dear Dan,

I've read your column for as long as I had access to the internet and was interested in sex, so here goes: I'm a 27-year-old male with a 42-year-old girlfriend. We met at work; we were both going through divorce. At the beginning, holy moly! My dream girl in the bedroom. We've been together for a year, and the sex is still the best I've ever had, but it's vanilla. I am assertive and in-control in the bedroom, which works for both of us, as she prefers to be passive and wants me to make moves or switch it up. I want to do other things, but she doesn't. Anal, oral, watching porn together, bondage, voyeurism — she's not up for any of it. There's always an excuse: "I'm not young like you," "I'm not flexible like you," "I have done that before and don't like it, no, no, no." Do I just suck it up and be grateful for what I have or what?

— She Hates Options Totally, Desires One Way Now

She wants you to be in control and switch it up but doesn't want to do any of the things you suggest when you take control and attempt to switch things up. Hmm. Either you're bad at everything you've attempted, SHOTDOWN, or she has a very limited sexual repertoire and/or actual physical limitations or health issues she hasn't divulged to you.

Considering the age difference here, and considering that this is a post-divorce rebound relationship for you both, the odds are stacked against anything long-term. I don't mean this relationship is doomed to fail. What I mean is this: You'll probably be together for another year or two before parting ways. While most people would define that as a "failed relationship," anyone who's been reading my column for as long as he's been interested in sex can tell you that I don't define failure that way. If two people are together for a time, if they enjoy each other's company (and genitals), if they part amicably and always remember each other fondly and/or remain friends, their relationship can be counted as a success.

In the meantime, enjoy the amazing vanilla sex for as long as it lasts — which could be forever. Anyone who's been reading my column for as long as he's been interested in sex knows that I'm not always right.

Dear Dan,

My BF and I have been dating for two years. He's 21; I'm 20 (and female). When I noticed my boyfriend wanted his ass played with and liked being submissive, I couldn't help but wonder if something more was going on. I snooped through his browser history and found he was looking at pictures of naked men. Then I saw he posted an ad on Craigslist under "men seeking men." He responded to one person, saying he wasn't sure if he was straight or bi, but he had a car and could drive over! The guy responded saying how about tonight, and my BF never responded to him. I confronted him. He explained it was just a fantasy, he's totally straight, and he was never planning on going through with it. After the dust settled, he told me he never wanted to lose me. We then went to a sex shop and bought a strap-on dildo for me to use on him, which we both really enjoy. He bought me a diamond bracelet as an apology and promised never to fuck up again. A couple months have passed, and things are great, but I still feel bothered. He loves my tits, ass, and pussy. Just cuddling with me gets him hard. Which is why I'm even more perplexed. Is my boyfriend secretly gay?

— Confused And Curious

Your boyfriend isn't "secretly gay," CAC, he's "actually bisexual." You know, like he said he was — or might be (but totally is)— in that e-mail exchange you found.

At this point, I'm required to tell you that bisexuals are just as capable of honoring monogamous commitments as monosexuals. But since the data shows that monosexuals are bad at monogamy — the data says bisexuals are too — I'm not sure why I'm required to say that or how it's supposed to be comforting. But even if your boyfriend never has sex with a man, CAC, even if it takes him years to drop the "totally straight" line, you should go ahead and accept the fact that your boyfriend is bisexual. Pretend to be shocked when he finally comes out to you — there might be a necklace in it for you — and then get busy setting up your first MMF threesome.

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