Savage Love: JCCSF

I was honored to speak at JCCSF — Jewish Community Center of San Francisco — last week as a part of their "Uninhibited: About Sex" lecture series. The audience submitted questions on cards, which were ably put to me by Jourdan Abel, who was wearing a wonderful uterus-themed sweater. (Check out my Instagram account — @dansavage — to see Abel's sweater!) Here are some of the questions submitted by the uninhibited JCCSF audience that Abel and I didn't manage to get to during our conversation.

Dear Dan,

I had the best sex of my life with my ex. He fucked me hard, had a huge cock, and made me eat his come with a spoon. I loved it. Needless to say, we were incompatible in other ways. My current BF is vanilla. Very. Vanilla. When I masturbate, I think about my ex and can't help but wish my current guy would make me slurp his come up from a utensil. We are very compatible in other (non-sex) ways. Am I doomed to fantasize about my ex?

You are — unless you open up to your current BF about what's missing in your sex life and/or get his permission to get your hard-fucking/spoon-feeding needs met elsewhere.

Dear Dan,

How do you combat homophobic remarks in a culture that condones and promotes homophobic tendencies?

You combat homophobia — and misogyny, its big sister — one terrified middle-schooler at a time. Bearing in mind, of course, that "terrified middle-schooler" is a state of mind, not an age bracket.

Dear Dan,

Got any advice for a bi girl, formerly submissive, who wants to start dominating men?

Move to San Francisco — oh, wait. You're already in San Francisco. Leave the house — get involved in local kink orgs, if you aren't already involved, check out local sex-positive events ( is a great place to start), and let people know what you're looking for. There's no shortage of submissive guys in the Bay Area, and no shortage of dominant women up for mentoring women who are curious about topping.

Dear Dan,

In gay male relationships, what can you say about the psychological boundary between being Alpha in the world and Beta in bed?

The boundary between Alpha In World/Beta In Bed is pretty fucking porous — it's not studded with guard towers, barbed wire and death strips, à la the Berlin Wall. (Google it, kids.) That boundary only exists in our heads. And once we get that fact through our thick heads, not only do we discover that the Alpha/Beta boundary is easily crossed, we quickly learn that crossing it repeatedly — brutally and joyfully violating it at will — is a total blast.

Dear Dan,

Is Savage your real last name? It's mine, too! My mother kept her maiden name, I took her name, and she's a sex therapist! We're both huge fans. Could you say hi to Dr. Linda Savage? She'll die!

Hi, Dr. Linda Savage! Please don't die.

Dear Dan,

What do you do when you can't make your partner come?

Me? I hand him back his dick and go get myself some ice cream — but you shouldn't do what I do when you can't make your partner come. Here's what you should do: Keep trying, ask your partner what they need, and encourage them, if need be, to "finish themselves off" (without pouting, without laying a guilt trip on them about how they've made you feel inadequate, and without treating them like they're broken). Cheerfully offer to hold 'em or play with their tits or eat their ass while they finish themselves off — or, hell, offer to go get 'em ice cream. Whatever helps!

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