Savage Love: Mother Love

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My father left my mother abruptly when I was 14, and he hasn't contacted either of us since. It was a crushing blow for her, and she retreated from the world. We were extremely close for the next four years and actually slept in the same bed every night. Eventually, we began doing something that most people would consider evil but neither of us has ever regretted. And it wasn't something that just happened once — it went on for two years and ended only when I left to go to university. She has since remarried and seems perfectly fine. But even today, we sometimes send each other friendly messages that are vaguely suggestive. I mentioned it to my wife recently and she went ballistic. She called me and my mother sick and moved into another bedroom and refuses to have sex with me. I wish I had never mentioned it, but it was part of a truth-or-dare session we were having. This has been the situation for the last three months. I have finally lost my patience. I have mentioned going to a counselor, but she refuses and claims that she is married to a monster and that no woman would want me. We don't have any children — so if I were to leave, I wouldn't be disrupting an innocent's life. Do you have any advice?

Truthful Revelation Unmakes Two Happy Spouses

I'm not a professional counselor, TRUTHS, but I'm gonna climb out on a limb and say that a game of truth or dare isn't the right time to reveal an incestuous sexual relationship with a parent. Dr. Hani Miletski and Dr. Joe Kort, on the other hand, are professionals: Dr. Miletski is a psychotherapist and a sex therapist, and Dr. Kort is a sex and relationship therapist. Both are certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, and both are authors — Dr. Miletski literally wrote the book on the subject of mother-son incest: Mother-Son Incest: The Unthinkable Broken Taboo Persists.

Dr. Miletski told me it isn't uncommon for a woman who has been abandoned by her husband to turn to an adolescent son for emotional comfort.

"These women are often very insecure and needy," said Dr. Miletski. "Unbeknownst to the son — and sometimes to the mother — the son begins to feel responsible for his mother's well-being and emotional support. The son becomes 'parentified' and is treated by his mother as a substitute husband. Occasionally, this close relationship between a mother and her son evolves into a sexual relationship, and the substitute husband becomes her lover as well. The situation described in this letter sounds exactly like that. And while I'm glad this man believes he has not been affected by this boundary violation, [the fact that he and his mother are] sending suggestive messages to each other may suggest otherwise."

You say you have no regrets, and you don't mention feeling traumatized by the experience, but the absence of trauma doesn't confer some sort of retroactive, after-the-fact immunity on your mother. She is responsible for her actions — actions that were abusive and highly likely to leave you traumatized.

"In the mental-health field, we have a growing body of work showing that not everyone who is abused is necessarily traumatized," said Dr. Kort. "But his mother seduced him, dismissing the sexual and emotional needs of a teenage boy. There is no other way to describe this other than abuse, however consensual he may have perceived it to be at the time."

But that was then, TRUTHS. What do you do about your situation now?

"Unfortunately, I don't think his wife will ever be able to put this revelation behind her," said Dr. Miletski. "I think his best bet is to leave her, move on, and seek therapy."

Dr. Kort sees some hope — albeit slim — for your marriage.

"To gain empathy and compassion from his wife, TRUTHS should be willing to listen to her concerns, fear, and anger," said Dr. Kort. "He also needs to invite her to have compassion and empathy for the vulnerable position he was in — but he cannot do that until he has some compassion for himself. Perhaps if he ever has children, the reality of the abuse will hit him. Parents don't have children to turn them into lovers."

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