Study: Drinking makes you money

As if I needed another excuse to get wasted, some professors at the venerable San Jose State University have discovered that people who drink make more money than people who don't. Wrote Yahoo! News: "The study published in the Journal of Labor Research Thursday concluded that drinkers earn 10 to 14 percent more than teetotalers, and that men who drink socially bring home an additional seven percent in pay. 'Social drinking builds social capital,' said Edward Stringham, an economics professor at San Jose State University and co-author of the study with fellow researcher Bethany Peters. 'Social drinkers are out networking, building relationships, and adding contacts to their BlackBerries that result in bigger paychecks.' Ahh. "Social capital." So that's what I should tell my mom when she asks why I'm always so hung over. There are, of course, some flaws in the study. For one, it apparently contradicts research done at Harvard, a school some consider superior to SJSU. (A lie, of course, since State has produced some great middle school PE teachers, including my friend Evan. Also, Stringham, who claims to be an econ professor, obviously ain't too good at math. Anyone with any social capital knows that 10 to 14 percent won't cover the cost of bar tabs, aspirin, bail, attorney fees, and the other many byproducts of getting tanked. I'd write more, but it's going on 2 p.m., and I've got some social capital to earn. — Joe P. Tone

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