Ho ho ho! That's the disconcerting sound Santa makes when he laughs! And what's so funny? Why, you! You are very far behind on being ready for Christmas! You haven't even started thinking about it, have you? You had better start getting ready now, or come Dec. 25, you'll be empty-handed, and all your loved ones will hate you. But don't fret: Here are some Christmas recipes and tips to make the season bright. You really only have two things to worry about: food and gifts.
COOKING
Christmas is a time when families gather together, so be sure to have plenty of food made: Full mouths means less conversation you have to make, which means less time explaining why you aren't married yet!
Victorian Era Traditional Roast: Cover a 14-pound bone-in prime rib with an even coating of thyme, sage and garlic. Place in a 400- degree oven, center rack. While you are waiting for the roast to cook, listen to a Christmas playlist on your laptop. When "Do They Know It's Christmas?" comes on, be more easily offended than normal at Bono's lyric, "Well tonight thank god it's them instead of you," when he sings about poor children in Africa. Sit down at your laptop and write a long think-piece about the song, then post online. Spend the next five hours defending yourself in the comment section of your post. Run to the kitchen when you smell smoke. You just burned the roast. You had one job to do, and you blew it, you dumb turd.
Classic Christmas Pudding: Take 1 pound dried fruit. If you don't have dried fruit, just use old fruit, I'm sure it'll be fine. Then get flour and sugar and ... suet? What's suet again? It's like meat, right? Gross. In a pudding? I don't know, man. Then throw in nuts and lemon juice and mix it up. And brandy. I may have drank all the brandy already. Don't you look at me like that. I guess you're little Miss Perfect over here who would never drink all the brandy. Just buy a cake, seriously, it's 4 in the morning.
Old Fashioned Egg Nog: Pour equal parts milk and rum into punch bowl. Leave out overnight.
GIFTS
Don't give someone a Bath and Body Works gift card. You may as well give them a slip of paper that says, "Who are you?" Nothing beats making a gift by hand for someone. You may not think of yourself as a Vincent "Van" Picasso, but these easy projects will be sure to please, or something in the same ballpark as "please".
Tree Ornament: Crafting an ornament is a wonderful idea, as it means that your gift can be brought out and treasured, year after year. Just be sure that the message of the ornament remains appropriate:
Good Ornament Ideas:
The baby Jesus in a manger
A framed picture from Miracle on 42nd Street of Santa's beard being pulled
Baby's First Christmas Teddy Bear
Bad Ornament Ideas:
Jesus in a swimsuit, carrying a surfboard that says, "If You Take the Christ out of Christmas, Get Outta the Pool"
A framed picture from Saw 2 of a rat mask being fitted over a head.
Baby's Last Christmas Teddy Bear
Teenie-Weeny Ittle Bits (Personalized): Gather some little tiny things, and remove the pieces that are too large. Taking the tiniest pieces, use needle and thread to stitch the initials of the recipient in eensy, teensy widdle letters. Set aside. Go back to the large pieces, cut them into the ittlest stwips. Using a magnifying glass and two pairs of tweezers, tie the stwips in bows around the little things, a quarter way down. Place them in a weeist widdle gift bags and ooo boo boo goo goo wee wee wah wah a bah bah bah.
Christmas Ashtray With Snake: Using modeling clay, separate the clay into two lumps, a "big lump" and a "small lump." Using your thumbs, mush the big lump into a shallow bowl, marking four notches around the rim. Take the small lump, and roll it on the table, using the palm of your hand. You now have your ashtray and snake shapes. Bake in a foil-lined tray for 20 minutes. Paint the ashtray red and the snake green. It's that easy! Don't forget to give a carton of cigarettes as well, adorned with a bow. If you have a lot of people on your list, just divide the carton into a bunch of sandwich bags.
Those are just a few tips to get your holiday wheels turning. During this season, when all is said and done, I hope we all remember the greatest gift of all: a car. Seriously, could you imagine how pumped you would be if someone gave you a new car?
Zachariah Durr's other submissions could not be printed in good taste.
