Cleveland Burger Week | July 11-17, 2022

10 Cleveland Girls You've Probably Dated

By Scene Staff

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She's hit the open mic nights and wrangled one of her friends of a friend to record an album of sorts and is now ubiquitous at the sort of clubs that don't pay that much attention to the talent that they book so long as the talent comes cheap. Surrounded by friends with even less talent, she's a star. Now what's her name again?

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All the duck face you could ask for and then some. If they're not posing in a group flashing their best feisty looks, then they're posing alone, somehow believing they're the glitterati that simply doesn't get the attention they deserve because they totally belong in L.A. or New York. That's just the pics, folks, where they're attending this and that and proving THEY WERE THERE, but it gets even worse once you get into hashtag land, where they're #blessed #fierce #brilliant #daylife #nightlife #alllife #Cleveland #thisisCle #alldaylong #247 #cantstop #pure #proud #nevergiveup #dreams #blessedblessedblessed #daygram #regram #Clevelandgram #blessedgram #bold #contrastingtothehighest and #sogoodithurts.

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Oh, that show's coming up? Do you have an extra ticket? No, well, I'm busy that night anyway. We sharing apps? Can I have a bite of that? So there's this gala thing, and it looks cool, but is it free? I dunno, sounds kinda lame. I forgot my purse. I don't get paid until next week. Hey, can you ask your brother's friend's boss if he can get us into that thing? I thought you knew people! Everyone's throwing credit cards in to split the bill? You know what, I'll get you next time, I think I left mine at home. Someone's got an open bar tab? Cha-ching.

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There's always a dinner, happy hour, networking event, conference, lunch, retreat, meeting, or general get-together that must be attended. MUST BE ATTENDED. And you know Greg, right? He's the head of this thing over here. No, not that Greg. That's Doug, really. But Doug really does something else. And is your suit back from the dry cleaner? You'll need it the next 13 nights in a row. Babe, dinner sounds really nice. My boss is coming though, and some VPs. We won't talk business though. Swearsies.

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Chances are if the sun is out, or not, there's a cold beverage planted firmly in her hand — with a koozie, of course. Whether it's a boozy brunch on Sundays or an early end to the workday on Tuesday, it's time to drink. We can definitely go to that thing with your parents, but we'll have to pregame first. Oh, a nice family picnic? Let me just grab my flask. She'll be the one at lunch where everyone is drinking water but when the waitress gets to her will only say, "What's on draft?" She'll be thrilled you're around her apartment to help out, of course, because damn, that recycling bag is heavy with all those bottles.

Photo via Instagram, laurajeanneclark

When other couples are heading to the movies or a nice dinner, you're heading to a flea market, or, to be more specific, all the flea markets. And after that it's the Habitat for Humanity store, then a couple antique stores, then a thrift store, then a small gallery no one's ever heard of, and then back home, where Pinterest takes precedence before diving into the new issue of Real Simple.

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At every Tribe game, still probably pining over Grady Sizemore, and Browns game and Cavs game, the Ultimate Fan knows the team better than you do. A Twitter profile stocked up with rumors and beat writers, it's you who is saying, "What about a night not watching the Tribe on a Tuesday against Seattle in mid May?" Gift shopping is easy though -- she just wants another T-shirt from Fresh Brewed tees or the like.

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It could be any number of outlets, but most likely a large assemblage of many of them. Marathon training, spinning, yoga, some combination of spinning and yoga that you don't fully understand. Before work, after work, on the lunch hour, on the weekends, nary is there a time when the pavement will not be hit or the pedals will not be pedaled. And if you're not in shape, well....

Photo via Instagram, georgie_girlie

Daddy's credit card has her closet stocked up with the latest and greatest from Beachwood mall. She probably works, but that job was definitely acquired through family connections rather than her resume, which is dotted with short stints at about a dozen places with titles that belie a woman who really spends her day doing... well, no one is quite sure what she does. All they know is that she can't be fired.

Photo via Instagram, smithk8lyn9

Cleveland is rising and that is all well and good, but the rah-rah sentiment boils out of every pore of the Cheerleader, who can't quite bring herself to say anything bad about anything in Cleveland, even when it's really not that great. New restaurant! New bar! Woo-hoo. #ThisIsCle personified.