October 28, 2017

13 Things Cleveland Probably Secretly Offered Amazon in its HQ2 Bid

There's a reason Mayor Frank Jackson and County Executive Armond Budish are being so damn secretive about Cleveland's proposal for the second Amazon Headquarters — incentives. As splashy as the recently-released bid videos are, there's no way they're enough to persuade the Seattle-based company to come to Cleveland. Here are all the promises we imagine the city made to ensure that HQ2 is built here over the other 237 North American cities that put their hat in the ring.

There's a reason Mayor Frank Jackson and County Executive Armond Budish are being so damn secretive about Cleveland's proposal for the second Amazon Headquarters — incentives. As splashy as the recently-released bid videos are, there's no way they're enough to persuade the Seattle-based company to come to Cleveland. Here are all the promises we imagine the city made to ensure that HQ2 is built here over the other 237 North American cities that put their hat in the ring.

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13 Things Cleveland Probably Secretly Offered Amazon in its HQ2 Bid
1. The Cuyahoga River will henceforth be renamed the "Amazon River." 
Photo by Sam Allard
1. The Cuyahoga River will henceforth be renamed the "Amazon River."

Photo by Sam Allard
2. City will replace all Heinen's locations with the Amazon-owned Whole Foods. 
Scene Archives Photo
2. City will replace all Heinen's locations with the Amazon-owned Whole Foods.

Scene Archives Photo
3. The Q will become the permanent rec center for Amazon employees. City says, "We'll just have the taxpayers build a new arena for the Cavs."
Photo by Eric Sandy
3. The Q will become the permanent rec center for Amazon employees. City says, "We'll just have the taxpayers build a new arena for the Cavs."

Photo by Eric Sandy
4. The next animal born at the Cleveland Zoo is set to be named Bezos (after Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, who is officially now the richest person in the  world). 
Photo via Cleveland Metroparks Zoo/Facebook
4. The next animal born at the Cleveland Zoo is set to be named Bezos (after Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, who is officially now the richest person in the world).

Photo via Cleveland Metroparks Zoo/Facebook
5. Alexa can be the announcer for all games and events held at Quicken Loans Arena (or any other arena built for the Cavs). 
Photo via Amazon.com
5. Alexa can be the announcer for all games and events held at Quicken Loans Arena (or any other arena built for the Cavs).

Photo via Amazon.com
6. Amazon HQ2 Employee of the Month gets to start one game at QB for Browns, because at this point it couldn't hurt. 
Photo Courtesy Cleveland Browns
6. Amazon HQ2 Employee of the Month gets to start one game at QB for Browns, because at this point it couldn't hurt.

Photo Courtesy Cleveland Browns
7. City will build another Opportunity Corridor, with blessing from future Gov. Mike DeWine, from one end of HQ2 to the other.
Illustration via Scene Archives
7. City will build another Opportunity Corridor, with blessing from future Gov. Mike DeWine, from one end of HQ2 to the other.

Illustration via Scene Archives
8. All Amazon HQ2 water fountains will offer Christmas Ale instead of water.
Photo by Emanuel Wallace
8. All Amazon HQ2 water fountains will offer Christmas Ale instead of water.

Photo by Emanuel Wallace
9. Any new house built by an Amazon employee receives a 400-year property tax abatement.
Realtor.com photo
9. Any new house built by an Amazon employee receives a 400-year property tax abatement.

Realtor.com photo