Library Lewdness

Our analyst's breakdown of Carl Monday's latest masterpiece.

00:12 -- Kid threat! See this poor, innocent whelp? Keep him in mind if you start feeling sorry for . . . The Library Masturbator!

00:38 -- Silly library. You think book theft is your biggest problem? Just wait until Carl Monday exposes . . . The Library Masturbator!

00:48 -- Cue official documents. Pornography. Sex. Used condoms. See, this isn't just some schmuck from Berea jacking it in the library. It's an Epidemic of Self-Pleasure!

1:41 -- Behold, the Library Masturbator! He likes OSU, wears a Carl Monday mustache, and doesn't know when to get out of the rain . . . or away from Carl Monday!

1:44 -- Monday: What do you look up on the internet?

Library Masturbator: Nothing, really. Sports scores, stuff like that.

Monday: Sports, pornography, stuff like that?

LM: No, why?

Monday: You tell me why.

Mike Wallace, eat your heart out!

2:03 -- WKYC decries porn by . . . showing porn?!? Let's hope that poor, innocent whelp isn't watching.

2:32 -- Carl Monday gives a knowing smirk to the camera. It's a look that says: I've got the Library Masturbator right where I want him.

2:38 -- Carl Monday speaks the phrase that keeps evildoers everywhere awake at night: What if I told you we have video of you performing a sex act?

2:46 -- Hidden camera shot of the Library Masturbator in action. Leave me alone, Ma, I'm just going to the bathroom!

2:56 -- Notice that Carl Monday is unable to say the word masturbation. You just reached out and started having sex? Um, no Carl, that would have required a woman, WHICH I OBVIOUSLY DON'T HAVE!

5:01 -- Surprise! Spankhappy McWilly lives with his parents. Know what that means girls? He's a-vail-a-ble!

5:05 -- Carl Monday confronts the Library Masturbator's father, who grabs for the microphone with the same passion his son exhibited a few frames earlier.

5:33 -- Power windows, don't fail me now! Notice how Monday holds his broken -- dare we say limp? -- microphone as the Library Masturbator's dad threatens to kill him.

6:01 -- Ramona Robinson suggests that we need better security to prevent library masturbation. Because Al Qaeda isn't spanking it in Nonfiction.

6:30 -- Libraries: They're not for masturbating .

To draw your own conclusions, go to