We read Sam Fulwood III So You Don't Have To...
Headline: Demise of Tops has no upside
Date: December 12, 2006
Topic: The Tops supermarket chain is leaving Cleveland, so Sam visits an empty grocery story and wails as if the city was ravaged by Katrina.
Originality: 4/10. As usual, Sam's the last guy to get to a story that's weeks old, but he makes up for it by getting seriously metaphorical. In one column, he manages to compare the Cleveland to 1) a bloated corpse and 2) a jilted lover. What this says about his love life, we prefer not to speculate.
Difficulty: 2/10. It appears Sam stopped by to pick up a nice Chardonay, only to discover that his neighborhood grocery was closed. But where others might swing over to Giant Eagle, he collapses in grief.
Sam Gets Poetic: "Just look at the corpses of downtown stores whose owners fled Cleveland, leaving rotting storefronts for the survivors to bury." And with that, Sam drove home to Shaker Heights, where fresh produce is far easier to come by.
The Master Has Spoken: "Tops rejected Cleveland, and being spurned is painful, no matter how you sugarcoat it in corporate-speak. We've been jilted like a used-up lover." Well, the jokes on you, bitch! I'm going to join eHarmony! Won't you be sorry when I'm banging Heinen's! Oh, and by the way: your ass looks big in EVERYTHING!
What Sam Reveals About Sam: He was hit particularly hard by the closure of Tops. "We've lost something precious," he writes. Was Old Yeller on TBS this week or is Sam really this upset that he can't use his Bonus Card anymore?
CliffsNotes Version: I visited a grocery recently. Gone was the bread and lettuce, and in their place was a sad metaphor for the failure of a once great city. The departure of Tops wounds me deeply, like being spurned by one of the hundreds of beautiful women who have courted my affections. With only four grocery chains left, Cleveland has been reduced to an empty husk, a soulless automaton that walks and breathes but does not truly feel, for what good is a beating heart if the will to live is gone? As I gaze upon the city's tear-stained streets, I wonder: Where now will I buy my Cap'n Crunch?
