Savage Love

Go Time

Dear Dan:

I am a 24-year-old female who has known my fiancé since freshman year of college. He has a fetish where he likes to watch women use the bathroom. I knew this, and I accepted it. But while peeing in front of someone isn't that big a deal, shitting in front of someone is hard.

We had a lovely night going when I had to poop. We went into the bathroom together. He got very horny, but I couldn't go. I said I was sorry, and he goes, "Well, let's fuck in here in case you have to go." He wanted to do it sitting on the toilet with me on top. Too hard, so we went in my room and had amazing sex and smoked a joint. I wanted to have sex again, but he wanted to wait to see if I could go. He said, "Drink some coffee! Smoke a cigarette!" I love him and want to be GGG, but the pressure turned me off. 1) Is this my fault for bringing it up? 2) Was his pressuring me wrong? 3) How should I approach this situation without sounding like a bitch?

Pressured Over Observable Performance

1. You didn't do anything wrong when you brought it up, POOP, and he didn't do anything wrong when he got excited about having his fantasy realized.

2. Yes. However excited your fiancé was about finally realizing his watch-my-girl-take-a-shit fantasy, he shouldn't have pressured you to perform once it became clear that it wasn't gonna happen. (And he shouldn't encourage you to smoke cigarettes; those things will kill you.) Shitting in front of someone — and here's hoping that's as far as his interest in poop goes — isn't easy, and badgering you won't help. Your fiancé, if he knows what's good for him, will hang back, let you set the pace, and thank his lucky fucking stars that he found someone who is willing to even try and will get there eventually.

3. "I know you're excited, and it excites me to see you so excited. But dial it back a bit, okay? Next time I feel like I can give it a try, I will let you know. But all of this pressure is making me feel constipated. And you don't want that, right?"

Dear Dan:

I'm an 18-year-old male. After three years of silence, my ex texted me out of the blue. She was my first love, and part of my heart still aches for her. I feel like the smart thing to do is to stop talking to her right now, but my heart says if I keep at it, I might be able to win her back. Most of her messages sound flirtatious, but it could just be me being optimistic. She even said, "I don't think of you as more than a friend. But I would be open to a relationship if I started having feelings for you again." Is this a lost cause?

Love and Memories Enflamed

You're being used, LAME. Your ex sent that out-of-the-blue text because she wanted to feel wanted. Maybe she got dumped recently, or maybe she's in the midst of a dry spell. But all she's after here — most likely — are the ego boosts your texts provide. And to keep those boosts coming, she's dangling a little false hope in front of you: She told you the truth so she wouldn't have to admit to herself that she's a manipulative liar, then she tacked on some meaningless crap to keep you textin'.

You dated her three years ago ... when you were 15. You're not in love with her — you're in love with the way she made you feel. There are other girls out there who can make you feel that way. Go find one.

HEY, EVERYBODY: You know how Mormons "baptize" dead people who weren't Mormons because Mormons believe they have a right to choose Mormonism for the deceased? And you know how the Mormon Church says that being gay is a choice? Well, now you can choose homosexuality for dead Mormons! Just go to, enter the name of a deceased Mormon or ask the site to find one for you, and — presto! — that dead Mormon gets to have a gay afterlife!

Dear Dan:

I'm a 35-year-old GGG married male with a 33-year-old not-so-GGG wife. We've been together 17 years and married four months. She was a virgin when we met and she's never been too sexual a person. I am a very sexual person, but she kept me satisfied with oral, dress-up, sex in different places — things like that.

Things really started to fall off sexually around our 10th year together. When I mentioned it, she said that she felt I was never going to marry her, so why should she give me 100 percent? I enjoy oral and watching women masturbate, and she wouldn't do either and blamed it on the marriage thing. Five years later, I gave her the big wedding she wanted. I actually enjoy being married.

Now, here's my dilemma: She won't do anything besides traditional sex — and only when she's awake enough to actually have sex, and I always have to initiate. When I mention things like oral or toys or masturbation, she says she feels uncomfortable doing things like that. If she would have told me this before, my decision to get married might have been different. I don't want her to do anything that makes her feel uncomfortable or degraded. But in my opinion, what I'm asking for is not "kinky," certainly when compared to some of the things I could be into.

We've had this discussion consistently throughout our short marriage, with no sign of her even trying. Am I doomed to a bad marriage, or is there something I can do? Because talking isn't working. I feel she lied to me to get me to marry her, and now I don't know what to do. Any advice is appreciated.

Lots of Sexual Tension

All your options are bad, LOST.

Stay married, stay faithful, and stew in your own frustration and resentment until you die; stay married, cheat with cause, and hope you don't get caught; inform your spouse that you're not going to ask her to do things she's not comfortable with but you're also not going to ask for her permission to do those things with other women, and be cast as the villain when she files for divorce; or initiate the divorce yourself, find a new partner, and make sure your new partner enjoys sex and enjoys the kinds of sex you do before you marry her. Sorry, LOST, but that's all I got.

HEY, CANADIAN READERS: I'm following @vikileaks30 on Twitter — and you should, too. Really entertaining stuff!

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at