Adventures in Argyle

Cleveland Rockers

This article was going to be about The Lakewood Village in Lakewood, because I very rarely like to leave my home city and it's not always easy to find a ride. I wanted to talk about how it's my Wednesday-night spot because they have a pretty good free open mic night for stand-up hosted by Josh Morrow and the lovely Jessica Lynch is always slinging drinks behind the bar. (Vote for her for Best Bartender in the Best of Scene 2013.)

Plus, the drinks are cheap, and so is the food. Steak dinners start at $7. That, my friends, is called ballin' on a budget if you live like I do.

However, things changed drastically once I arrived there around 9:30. Within seconds, I saw the woman fall to the ground off her bar stool. This wasn't just some girl falling down, it was drunk-girl falling down, and that's when I knew it was showtime. 

That's when I pulled out my notebook and pen from my backpack—I am a journalist, after all—and started to documenting her evening from afar in what I'm calling "The Life of the Week Day-Drunk-Girl." 

9:35pm – Drunk girl orders two shots of Patron Tequila. Makes a toast to her friend saying, "Fuck Boys," which to my assumption was the reason why she's there getting hammered on a Wednesday. 

9:50pm – More shots! This time it's Jager, and I can't think of anything that mixes better with Jager tha n tequila, while she sipped on a vodka cranberry. Flawless! Nothing could go wrong from here. 

10:00pm – Smoke break! She slurs to her friend, "I'll be right back, I'm going to smoke a cigarette," while dropping her purse on the floor trying to stand up. Make-up, money, and tampons fall out, causing her to shout, "Motherfucker!" She then puts everything back into her knock-off Louis Vuitton bag and heads out the door for a much needed smoke. 

10:55pm – She's all over a guy in a booth nearby and the guy could easily pass for a young Sam Elliot, sans mustache. The drunk girl then yells to the young Sam Elliot look-a-like, "You're cute; Let's do shots!" 

11:35pm – She proceeds to smack the young Sam Elliot look-a-like in the face yelling, "You're a fucking pig!" followed up with a slur-yell to her friend, "Let's go home Jessica." Drunk Girl then starts walking towards the door holding on to one handle of her purse. Her friend then runs up to stop her and here's the conversation they have: 

Friend – "I'm gonna call us a cab"

Drunk Girl – "I'm fine to drive! Let's go!"

Friend – "You're a drunk Melissa, I'm calling us a cab"

Drunk Girl – "I'm totally all right to drive, that guy's an asshole! Let's go!"

Friend – "I have your keys"

Drunk Girl – "Gimmie my keys"

Friend – "Let's sit down and drink some water"

Drunk Girl – "Gimmie my keys, I'm fine! Let's just..." and then proceeded to drop her cell phone on the floor in mid-sentence.  

This went on for about ten minutes when all of sudden, my favorite moment occurred: she started to cry for no reason. After the waterworks broke out, they went straight to the bathroom. 

12:03 am – Still in the bathroom but now I am hearing the sound of crying accompanied by ferocious vomiting. Because I was standing nearby, I could smell the bile, tequila, and stomach acids coming through the door crack. However, I had a job to do, so stayed close so I could document her movements. 

12:25 am – Drunk girl and friend emerge from the puke-smelled bathroom and proceed to sit at the bar again. Kinda-sober friend orders two waters. (Good Move.) 

12:50 am – Drunk girl orders two Jack and cokes with two shots of Tequila. Looks like she got her second wind and it's time for Round 2 (or 10). 

1:40 am – Drunk girl is seen leaving with Sam Elliot look-a-like she smacked earlier while her friend fights with someone in the corner on cell phone. 

I left shortly after because my job here was done. Not sure what happened with the Drunk Girl but imagine her and the Sam Elliot look-a-like ended up having a quiet night by the fire at this place, sipping on a glass of Rombauer Cabernet while watching Eat Pray Love. Either that, or he killed her. I don't know. I'm officially off the clock.