Starbucks Ditches Cups Altogether, Now Throwing Coffee Directly Into Customers’ Faces

Starbucks stirred up quite the controversy earlier this holiday season when they released this year’s iteration of their annual holiday coffee cups. Already cranky morning customers everywhere were outraged when they discovered the holiday cups were simply solid red, adorned with the usual fan-favorite green Siren logo. The new design was seen as a mere ghost of holiday cups past, which featured more flamboyant holiday designs.

When asked his feelings on the change, one customer had this to say:

“It’s (stuff) like this that’s making it easier for the terrorists to gain followers. If we can’t think about Christmas, or look at Christmas (stuff), what else is there to think about this time of year, some Muslim holiday? That’s bull(stuff). And hey, why do you keep only calling them holiday cups? Anyway, this new design is terrible all the way around. Except for that mermaid chick, she’s hot as hell.”

The company, while first standing firmly behind their art, is now succumbing to customers’ demands to get rid of the cups. Though, don’t hold your breath waiting for the snowflakes and holiday pine trees to return to your favorite neighborhood café.

“Look, we get it, people were upset,” says Starbucks CEO, Howard Schultz, “I wasn’t too jazzed about the cups either. I mean, when you think about it, they were just plain lazy. But to say they weren’t Christmas-y enough is ludicrous. The cup was red, the logo is green. The last time I checked, those are the official colors of Christmas! Also, the white on the logo could be snow or something, I guess. I’m Jewish anyway, so this whole thing seems a little wacky. Did anyone stop to think about MY feelings? No. We’re getting rid of the cups entirely. Ungrateful sons of (things)…”

Schulz is ordering all Starbucks locations to throw away all of the red holiday cups, and to instead splash “a pretty good amount” of scalding hot coffee in the face of every patron, even if they aren’t buying anything. “The idea is to save on valuable time and money,” Schultz continued, “And no one will ever have to be offended by a coffee cup or any other kind of visual again, because they’ll be near-blind, if not full-on. We tested this, and the good news is, if you squint, you can kind of imagine that some of the stuff you can still see is Christmas stuff. It’s a win-win. I got rid of the Seattle Supersonics. Don’t think I won’t do this.”

As a further concession to customers, Starbucks will be handing out complimentary bottles of Aloe Vera gel with every coffee order, to help with any facial discomfort. Each bottle will be clear, adorned with only everyone’s favorite mermaid logo, because, “it already sort of looks like a logo for Aloe Vera anyway.”