Savage Love: Safe Wording

Dear Dan,

I'm a 27-year-old, feminist, conventionally attractive, straight-ish, GGG woman. Over time, my tastes have changed, and now I find myself more of a kinkster. A few years ago, my desire for kinkier sex and my willingness to take a chance came together in a mutually beneficial, exciting D/s relationship. I'll be honest: I wasn't as smart as I could have been. I met this guy on Tinder, and after verifying his identity, I told some friends where I'd be and I met up with him. He was great for a while, but a big move took me away from the area and I grew tired of his conventional gender ideals. I assumed I would find another partner in the future as functionally great as him but maybe a better conversationalist. Fast-forward to today. I've dabbled with pain and submission play with a few boyfriends with no great success. (A subsequent partner who didn't respect my safe word, in fact, assaulted me.) I'm now greatly discouraged in my search. The cycle always goes like this: I get horny and want kink, I go looking for it online, and I am then buried in a landslide of creepiness, typos, and aggression. There are just so many men out there who hate women. These men are more interested in condescending to me and bossing me around than they are in power exchange. It was recommended to me to join the local center for sex positivity in Seattle, but that costs money. I want to engage in kink to relieve stress, not to cut into my already tight budget. Are my only options perseverance or an extra grand lying around?

— Perseverance Or Withdrawal, Eternal Regrets

I definitely think you should keep hacking your way through the creeps, typos, and aggros, POWER, and, more importantly, your pussy thinks so too — excuse me, that's crude. Perhaps I should say: Your erotic imagination and your libido think so too. But you may find the search for kinky play partners a little less frustrating if you devote a few hours a week to it — set a regular schedule: two hours a night, twice a week — instead of waiting until horniness and desperation drive you back online. If you search for kinky guys only when you just gotta have it, POWER, your inability to find it immediately is gonna be that much more frustrating.

And you might wanna get out there and find a kinky guy now, POWER, while you still can.

"Uh-oh, kinksters: Sex cops could be coming for you next," Elizabeth Nolan Brown writes at "According to a new federal court decision, Americans have no constitutional right to engage in consensual BDSM because 'sexual activity that involves binding and gagging or the use of physical force such as spanking or choking poses certain inherent risks to personal safety.' Thus officials could constitutionally ban or regulate such activity in the interest of 'the protection of vulnerable persons,' the court held."

In 2003, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that Americans have a constitutional right to get their asses fucked, and one day soon we could be asking the Supreme Court whether Americans have a constitutional right to get their asses spanked.

Finally, POWER, I'm a huge fan of Seattle's Center for Sex Positive Culture ( And I'm an even bigger fan of people getting out there, meeting up IRL, and making face-to-face connections with like-minded kinksters. I'm such a big fan that I'm going to pick up the expense of your first year's membership at the Center for Sex Positive Culture. While there are additional charges for most events at the center, POWER, there are also tons of volunteer opportunities — and there's no better way to get to know the local kinksters than to pitch in and help out. I'll e-mail you directly about your shiny new membership.