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Big Perv on Campus 

Carl Wolfe indicted on 21 felony charges.

It appears that Carl Wolfe, formerly Big Man on Campus at Notre Dame College, may soon become Little Cute Guy on Cell Block D.

Last week, Wolfe was indicted on 21 felony charges related to his failure to understand that women aren't into him ["Hush," May 17]. He's accused of assaulting at least five fellow students at the school. For reasons unknown, Wolfe mistakenly believed the women enjoyed being pinned down while he forcibly tried to have sex with them.

Notre Dame officials learned of the assaults early on -- and perhaps could have prevented some -- but they neglected to inform police. Former Dean of Students Patty O'Toole was also indicted for failing to report a felony.

"We're very pleased with the charges," says Lieutenant Todd Mitchell. "It was a long time coming."

School officials won't comment, but they did issue the obligatory press release claiming they had "cooperated fully" with the investigation.

Meanwhile, one of the victims released a less temperate statement of her own: "I hope Carl and the school rots in hell."

PD helps terrorists
Homeland Security recently asked city officials to remove newspaper boxes from two locations near Public Square. The boxes' proximity to the U.S. courthouse concerned the feds, who apparently feared that al-Qaeda might rig some bombs on their way to the Tower City food court. (FBI reports indicate terrorists are really into McFlurries.)

Since Scene is so patriotic that we often get leg cramps from genuflecting, this paper promptly removed its boxes from the sites in question. Then we sang the national anthem.

But it appears that The Plain Dealer hates America and is doing its best to help al-Qaeda.

Since the feds' request, The PD's boxes haven't moved. At first, Punch thought the paper was exempt, since few terrorists would have the 50 cents needed to gain entry to them. But City Hall spokesman Mike House says that the paper was asked to move its boxes. "The PD is fighting it," he says -- thus putting us all at risk.

Mike Ferry, who's in charge of The PD's single-copy sales, declined to comment on the paper's terrorist affiliations. But he's expected to release a really grainy video sometime soon.

City lawyers are reviewing the matter. If the courthouse blows up in the meantime, you can register your complaints with al-Qaeda's Cleveland office at 999-5000.

Lurie's fury
It's safe to say that Rysar Properties chief Ken Lurie didn't like our story questioning the craftsmanship on his government-subsidized houses in Central ["Things Fall Apart," May 10].

First he took out full-page ads arguing that we suck. (At least, that's the CliffsNotes version.) Then, last week, he threw Mrs. Punch out of a community meeting in Lakewood, even though she was wearing supercute new shoes.

Rysar and Forest City are planning to build more than a hundred new townhouses, lofts, and retail shops in the suburb's east end. But two years after the Rockport Square project broke ground, most of the land remains empty expanses of asphalt, littered with trash and surrounded by chain link fences.

Neighbors, who remembered promises that the project would be finished by 2008, got worried. They especially didn't like the cluster of boarded-up, abandoned houses on Fry Avenue that the developers had left untouched for months.

So they organized a meeting and invited bigwigs from Rysar and Forest City.

Mrs. Punch tried to investigate. But when Lurie arrived, he kicked her out of the meeting. "There was already one negative article written," he ranted. "We're not gonna do it again."

Lyz Bly, who organized the event, asked why Lady Punch couldn't stay. "This is not your meeting," Lurie shot back.

Not wanting to make a scene -- and realizing that she wasn't getting paid for overtime -- Mrs. Punch was happy to bolt. But residents were less thrilled.

"I think it's bullshit," Bly said afterward. "What are you hiding?"

A picture's worth $1,000
General admission seats to an upcoming fund-raiser for Congressman Sherrod Brown (D-Avon) are going for $150. But if you're interested in going big, a $1,000 ticket entitles you to a photo with the congressman and special guest star Hillary Clinton.

Upon further investigation, however, this is not the sweet deal it seems to be.

According to some guy named Dave at Sherrod HQ, $1,000 doesn't even buy you a frame -- just a cardboard mounting. WTF? Still, we attempted to haggle. Did the price include being touched by the congressman?

"I'm sure if you asked him to, he would," said Dave, sounding a bit freaked out.

Now we were getting somewhere. How about standing between the congressman and the senator, thus creating a sandwich scenario?

"I'm not sure about the posing of it," Dave said. But sensing disappointment in our voice, he quickly changed his tune. "Yeah, we could do it between."

Now it was time to go for the cherry. Could we put our arm around Hillary?

"Uh, no," Dave said, cutting us off.

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