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LeBron James Contract 

Our spies reveal the secret perks in The Chosen One's new deal.

As we reported in our print edition, Scene has obtained a secret copy of LeBron James' newest contract with the Cavaliers, inked just last week. In the document, the Cleveland Cavaliers (the party hereinafter known as "Please, We Have Nothing Else") agrees in principle to provide LeBron James (hereinafter known as "Daddy") with several unusual perks. We detailed many of them in print, but here are several additional demands that were buried in the fine print:

· A limousine, including a full-time driver and fully stocked wet bar. Said limousine will be used primarily to escort Gloria James (hereinafter known as "Daddy's Mommy") to and from wherever the hell she wants to go, including, but not limited to, wherever the hell she wants to go.

· The opportunity to prescreen all members of the Cavaliers dance team, in order to ensure that they are sufficiently hot to sleep with Hangers On if they feel like it, which they probably will.

· Unlimited Yankees shower caps.

· A fully furnished luxury condominium in each city to which Please, We Have Nothing Else expects to travel during the life of the contract. Each condominium will be approved by Daddy no fewer than three (3) weeks prior to arrival, and will include individual rooms for Daddy's Mommy and Hangers On. The address of each condominium shall be kept secret at all times, so that Damon Jones doesn't try to come to the party.

· A life-sized Zydrunas Ilgauskas bobble-head doll.

· A genetically engineered clone (hereafter known as Chosen 1.0: The Remix) designed specifically to handle media and other requests for Daddy's time. Chosen 1.0 should look and sound exactly like Daddy, but be equipped with the ability to say only "I liked our effort out there," "We're taking it one game at a time," and "Seriously, Damon, nobody's coming over tonight, I swear."

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September 23, 2020

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