Support Local Journalism. Join the Cleveland Scene Press Club.

Library Lewdness 

Our analyst's breakdown of Carl Monday's latest masterpiece.

00:12 -- Kid threat! See this poor, innocent whelp? Keep him in mind if you start feeling sorry for . . . The Library Masturbator!

00:38 -- Silly library. You think book theft is your biggest problem? Just wait until Carl Monday exposes . . . The Library Masturbator!

00:48 -- Cue official documents. Pornography. Sex. Used condoms. See, this isn't just some schmuck from Berea jacking it in the library. It's an Epidemic of Self-Pleasure!

1:41 -- Behold, the Library Masturbator! He likes OSU, wears a Carl Monday mustache, and doesn't know when to get out of the rain . . . or away from Carl Monday!

1:44 -- Monday: What do you look up on the internet?

Library Masturbator: Nothing, really. Sports scores, stuff like that.

Monday: Sports, pornography, stuff like that?

LM: No, why?

Monday: You tell me why.

Mike Wallace, eat your heart out!

2:03 -- WKYC decries porn by . . . showing porn?!? Let's hope that poor, innocent whelp isn't watching.

2:32 -- Carl Monday gives a knowing smirk to the camera. It's a look that says: I've got the Library Masturbator right where I want him.

2:38 -- Carl Monday speaks the phrase that keeps evildoers everywhere awake at night: What if I told you we have video of you performing a sex act?

2:46 -- Hidden camera shot of the Library Masturbator in action. Leave me alone, Ma, I'm just going to the bathroom!

2:56 -- Notice that Carl Monday is unable to say the word masturbation. You just reached out and started having sex? Um, no Carl, that would have required a woman, WHICH I OBVIOUSLY DON'T HAVE!

5:01 -- Surprise! Spankhappy McWilly lives with his parents. Know what that means girls? He's a-vail-a-ble!

5:05 -- Carl Monday confronts the Library Masturbator's father, who grabs for the microphone with the same passion his son exhibited a few frames earlier.

5:33 -- Power windows, don't fail me now! Notice how Monday holds his broken -- dare we say limp? -- microphone as the Library Masturbator's dad threatens to kill him.

6:01 -- Ramona Robinson suggests that we need better security to prevent library masturbation. Because Al Qaeda isn't spanking it in Nonfiction.

6:30 -- Libraries: They're not for masturbating .

To draw your own conclusions, go to

We welcome readers to submit letters regarding articles and content in Cleveland Scene. Letters should be a minimum of 150 words, refer to content that has appeared on Cleveland Scene, and must include the writer's full name, address, and phone number for verification purposes. No attachments will be considered. Writers of letters selected for publication will be notified via email. Letters may be edited and shortened for space.

Email us at

Support Local Journalism.
Join the Cleveland Scene Press Club

Local journalism is information. Information is power. And we believe everyone deserves access to accurate independent coverage of their community and state. Our readers helped us continue this coverage in 2020, and we are so grateful for the support.

Help us keep this coverage going in 2021. Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing membership pledge, your support goes to local-based reporting from our small but mighty team.

Join the Cleveland Scene Press Club for as little as $5 a month.

Read the Digital Print Issue

November 17, 2021

View more issues


Never miss a beat

Sign Up Now

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.


Staff Pick Events

  • Monsters vs. Milwaukee Admirals @ Rocket Mortgage FieldHouse

    • Fri., Dec. 3
  • Cavaliers vs. Utah Jazz @ Rocket Mortgage FieldHouse

    • Sun., Dec. 5
  • Monsters vs. Grand Rapids Griffins @ Rocket Mortgage FieldHouse

    • Mon., Dec. 6 and Mon., Dec. 27

© 2021 Cleveland Scene: 737 Bolivar Rd., Suite 4100, Cleveland, OH 44115, (216) 505-8199
Logos and trademarks on this site are property of their respective owners.

Website powered by Foundation