Support Local Journalism. Join the Cleveland Scene Press Club.

Pop Quiz 

Diva Dumbdown.

Xtina, Paris, Jessica and Beyoncé have all just released records. Are you up to speed on your pop pablum?

1) A "Freakum Dress" is:

a) A song on Beyoncé's new album

b) Something Bill Clinton would rather just forget about

c) The title of the new Devendra Banhart record

d) The name of next week's Project Runway episode

2) Whose current or former music-mogul boyfriend would win in a fight?

a) That knob from Sum 41 that Paris blew

b) That knob Nick Lachey that Jessica humped

c) That knob Jordan Bratman, who tells Xtina she's pretty

b) Jay-Z, who apparently "used to bag girls like Birkin bags," whatever that means

3) What do Scott Storch and Mark Ronson have in common?

a) They've both produced one or more album tracks for one of the above divas

b) They're both talentless hacks who happen to know their way around an MPC 3000

c) They've both fucked Paris Hilton

d) All of the above

4) An "Autotuner" is:

a) A girl's best friend

b) Responsible for modern Top 40 radio as we know it

c) The only way Paris and Jessica could ever make music

d) All of the above

5) Which of these movies most proves that just because you can wear a thong to the VMAs, it doesn't mean you're ready for the big screen?

a) The Pink Panther

b) Dukes of Hazzard

c) House of Wax

d) All of the above

Match the diva with the way she got her start in showbiz:

6) Beyoncé

7) Jessica

8) Xtina

9) Paris

a) Touring the Christian Youth Conference circuit (yes, it exists)

b) Performing with her then-group Girl's Tyme on Star Search

c) Appearing on The Mickey Mouse Club

d) Fucking some guy

Answers: 1) a; 2) b; 3) d; 4) d; 5) d; 6) b; 7) a; 8) c; 9) d.

We welcome readers to submit letters regarding articles and content in Cleveland Scene. Letters should be a minimum of 150 words, refer to content that has appeared on Cleveland Scene, and must include the writer's full name, address, and phone number for verification purposes. No attachments will be considered. Writers of letters selected for publication will be notified via email. Letters may be edited and shortened for space.

Email us at news@clevescene.com.

Support Local Journalism.
Join the Cleveland Scene Press Club


Local journalism is information. Information is power. And we believe everyone deserves access to accurate independent coverage of their community and state. Our readers helped us continue this coverage in 2020, and we are so grateful for the support.


Help us keep this coverage going in 2021. Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing membership pledge, your support goes to local-based reporting from our small but mighty team.


Join the Cleveland Scene Press Club for as little as $5 a month.

Speaking of Shorts

More by Garrett Kamps

Read the Digital Print Issue

December 1, 2021

View more issues

Most Popular

No recently-read stories.

Visit the archives…

Newsletters

Never miss a beat

Sign Up Now

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.

Calendar

Staff Pick Events

  • We Banjo 3 @ The Kent Stage

    • Sun., Dec. 5
  • Greg Morton @ Hilarities Comedy Club

    • Sun., Dec. 5
  • Open Turntable Tuesday @ The Winchester

    • Tuesdays

© 2021 Cleveland Scene: 737 Bolivar Rd., Suite 4100, Cleveland, OH 44115, (216) 505-8199
Logos and trademarks on this site are property of their respective owners.


Website powered by Foundation