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Savage Love: Biphobias 

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I'm an 18-year-old female. I'm cisgender and bisexual. I've been in a monogamous relationship with my cisgender bisexual boyfriend for about a year. I'm currently struggling with a lot of internalized biphobia and other hang-ups about my boyfriend's sexuality. I don't know if I'm projecting my own issues onto him or if I'm just being bigoted towards bi men. But when I think about the fact that he's bi and is attracted to men, I become jealous and fearful that he will leave me for a man or that he would rather be with a man. I know it is unfair, and he's never given me any real reason to fear this. We have a very engaged, kinky, and rewarding sex life! But I worry I'm not what he really wants.

This situation is complicated by the near certainty that my boyfriend has some sort of hormonal disorder. He has a very young face, a feminine figure, and not a lot of body hair. He orgasms but he does not ejaculate; and although he has a sizable penis, his testicles are more like the size of grapes than eggs. He struggles a lot with feeling abnormal and un-masculine. I try to be as supportive as possible and tell him how attracted to him I am. But he can tell his bi-ness makes me nervous and uncomfortable. I think that because he appears more feminine, I worry that he would feel more comfortable or "normal" with a man. 

How do I stop worrying that he's gay or would be happier with a man? I feel horrible for these anxieties considering that I'm bi too, and should know better.

— Anonymous Nervous Girlfriend Seeks Tranquility

"Many people who encounter us Bi+ folk in the wild just project their insecurities onto us with impunity and then blame us for it," said RJ Aguiar, a bisexual activist and content creator whose work has been featured on Buzzfeed, HuffPo, Queerty and other sites. "As someone who's bi herself, I'm sure ANGST know this all too well."

So why are you doing it to your bisexual boyfriend?

"This hypothetical so-and-so-is-going-to-leave-me-for-someone-hotter scenario could happen to anyone of any orientation," said Aguiar. "But maybe because the potential 'pool of applicants' is over twice as big for us Bi+ folk, we get stuck with twice as much of this irrational fear? I don't know. But here's what I do know: most Biphobia (and jealousy for that matter) is projected insecurity. Built into the fear that someone will leave you because they 'like x or y better' is the assumption that you yourself aren't good enough."

While feelings of insecurity and jealousy can undermine a relationship, ANGST, they don't have to.

"We all have our moments!" said Aguiar. "But we can turn these moments into opportunities for open communication and intimacy. The key is to understand that feelings aren't always rational. But if we can share those feelings with the person we love without fear of judgment or reprisal, it can help create a space of comfort and intimacy that no piece of ass will ever be able to compete with."

I'm not going to lie to you, ANGST. Your boyfriend could be gay (some people who aren't bisexual identify as bi before coming out as gay or lesbian), and/or he could one day realize that he'd be happier with a man (just as you could one day realize that you'd be happier with a woman). But your wonderful sex life is pretty good evidence that your boyfriend isn't gay.

Very few people wind up spending their lives with the person they were dating at 18. Stop worrying about the next six or seven decades of your life and enjoy this time and this boy and this relationship for however long it lasts.

Finally, on the off chance your boyfriend hasn't spoken to a doctor, I shared your letter with Dr. John Amory, Professor of Medicine at the University of Washington.

"An 18-year-old male with testicles the 'size of grapes' indicates an issue with testicular development," said Dr. Amory.

It could simply be delayed puberty or it could be something called Klinefelter syndrome.

"Bottom line: Small testes at age 18 means it's time for a doctor's visit," says Dr. Amory.

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