Savage Love: Connections 

I'm a 20-year-old submissive woman in a confusing affair with a 50-year-old dominant married man. He lives in Europe and has two kids close to my age. We met online when I was 17 and starting to explore my BDSM desires — out of the reach of my overbearing, sex-shaming, disastrously religious parents — and we've been texting daily ever since. We've since met in different countries and spent a total of three weeks together. Those weeks were amazing, both sexually and emotionally, and he says he loves me. I date vanilla boys my age, with his full support, while we continue to text daily. I don't know what to do. I don't want to blow up his family if (or when) our affair is discovered. But at the same time, our relationship has really helped me navigate my kinks and my sexuality. Expecting him to leave his wife for me is a highly unrealistic cliché, I am aware. Yet I fear I've become dependent on his conversation and advice. I'm graduating soon and have a big job lined up in a big city. I'll finally be financially independent, and I'd like to start making the right choices. Any perspective you have would be much appreciated.

— Things Must Improve

He is not going to leave his wife for you, and you shouldn't assume his wife is going to leave him if (or when) this affair is discovered (or exposed). Divorce may be the default setting in the United States in the wake of an affair, TMI, but Europeans take a much more, well, European attitude toward infidelity. Definitely not cricket, not necessarily fatal.

And you don't need him to leave his wife for you, TMI. Okay, okay — you're in love, and the three weeks you've managed to spend together were amazing. But don't fall into the trap of believing a romantic relationship requires a tidy ending; film, television, and literature beat it into our heads that romantic relationships end either happily at the altar (à la Pride and Prejudice) or tragically at the morgue (à la Forensic Files). But romantic relationships take many forms, TMI, as does romantic success. And this relationship, such as it is, sounds like an ongoing success.

I think you're confused about this relationship because there won't be a resolution that fits into a familiar mold. But you don't need a resolution: You can continue to text with him, and he can continue to provide you with his advice and support while you continue to date single, available, and kinky men (no more vanilla boys!) closer to your own age and/or on your own continent. Eventually you'll meet a new guy you're crazy about — someone you can see for more than one week a year — and you'll feel less dependent on and connected to your old flame.

While on vacation, I went for a full body massage. The first half of the massage — me on my stomach — was great. When the masseuse asked me to flip on my back, things took a turn. She uncovered one of my legs and began massaging my thigh. As she worked on my inner thigh, her finger grazed my scrotum. Then it happened again. And again. I began to worry I was getting a visible erection. Then I started to panic when I felt like I might actually come. I tried hard to clamp down and think about baseball and senior citizens, but I wound up having an orgasm. She eventually moved to my arms, shoulders, etc., but meanwhile I'm lying there with jizz cooling on myself. Am I guilty of #metoo bad behavior? Should I have said something or asked her to stop? I I still feel really weird about the whole thing. I get massages frequently, this has never happened before, and I certainly didn't go into it looking for this result.

— Lost Opportunity At De-escalation

If it all went down as you described, LOAD, you aren't guilty of "#metoo bad behavior." It's not uncommon for people to become unintentionally aroused during a nonerotic massage; it's more noticeable when it happens to men, of course, but it happens to women, too.

Since this hasn't happened to you before, I don't think you should waste too much time worrying about it happening again. But if you're concerned that you're likely to blow a load the next time, go ahead and have a quick wank before your appointment.

On the Lovecast, it's hard to date when you're a sexuality professor: savagelovecast.com.

mail@savagelove.net

@fakedansavage on Twitter

ITMFA.org

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