VODKA VODKA returns in February. Limited early bird tickets are on sale right now!

Savage Love: Men and Women 

click to enlarge savage_11.06.05_am.png

I'm a 40-year-old guy with a 30-year-old girlfriend. We've been together a year, and I can see a future with her. But there are problems. This girl comes after two minutes of stimulation, be it manual, oral, or penile. As someone who takes pride in my foreplay/pussy-eating abilities, this is a bummer. She gets wet to the point where all friction is lost during PIV and my boners don't last. It's like fucking a bowlful of jelly. Part of me is flattered that I get her off, but damnit I miss a tight fit! (Her oral skills aren't great, either, so that's not an option, and anal is a no-go.) I love to fuck hard, and that's difficult when I'm sticking my dick into a frictionless void. Is there a way to decrease wetness? Help, please.

— Can't Last Inside Tonight

First things first: She's not doing anything wrong, CLIT, and neither are you — at least you're not doing anything wrong during sex. (When you sit down to write letters to advice columnists, on the other hand...) She can't help how much vaginal mucus she produces or how much vaginal sweating your foreplay/pussy-eating skills induce, any more than you can help how much pre-ejaculate you pump out. (Her wetness is a combo of vaginal mucus and vaginal sweating — not a derogatory expression, that's just the term for it.) And all that moisture is there for a good reason: It preps the vagina for penetration. In its absence, PIV can be extremely painful for the fuckee. So the last thing you want to do is dry your girlfriend up somehow.

Now here's something you are doing wrong: "It's like fucking a bowlful of jelly," "I miss a tight fit," "Her oral skills aren't great, either," "I'm sticking my dick into a frictionless void." You're going to need to have a conversation with your girlfriend about this, CLIT, but you can't have a constructive one until you can find some less denigrating, resentful, shame-heaping words.

Again, she's doing nothing wrong. She gets very wet when she's turned on. That's just how her body works. Too much lubrication makes it harder for you to get off. That's how your body works. And this presents a problem that you two need to work on together, but insults like "bowlful of jelly" are going to shut the conversation down and/or end the relationship. So try this instead: "I love how turned on you get, honey, and I love how wet you get. But it can make it difficult for me to come during PIV."

If you don't make her feel like shit about her pussy, you might be able to have a constructive conversation and come up with some possible PIV hacks. If there's a move (clitoral stimulation) or an event (her first orgasm) that really opens up the tap, save that move or delay that event until after you've climaxed or until after you've reached the point of orgasmic inevitability — if PIV isn't painful for her when she's a little less wet.

You can also experiment with positions to find one that provides you with a little more friction and doesn't hit her clit just so — perhaps doggy style — and then shift into a position that engages her clit when you're going to come. And there's no shame in pulling out and stroking yourself during intercourse before diving back in. Be constructive, get creative, and never again speak of her pussy like it's a defective home appliance, and you might be able to solve this (pretty good) problem (to have).

I'm a woman in an open relationship of four years. I adore my partner. When we were first dating, it was casual and there were no ground rules. During that time, I slept with a guy without condoms after he cornered me in a motel room. My current partner has made it clear that he would consider exchanging fluids with someone else cheating. I'm worried he'll somehow find out about that night, and I feel bad keeping it a secret. If I tell him, there's a chance that our relationship will end and I'll be living in my car. What should I do?

— Burdensome Unbearable Guilt Sucks

Cut yourself some slack, BUGS: You had unprotected sex under a sadly common form of duress. You're under no obligation to tell your current partner about that night, as it took place before you established your ground rules, so it's not really any of his fucking business.

Tags:

Latest in Savage Love

More by Dan Savage

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Readers also liked…

Newsletters

Never miss a beat

Sign Up Now

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.

Calendar

© 2019 Cleveland Scene: 737 Bolivar Rd., Suite 4100, Cleveland, OH 44115, (216) 241-7550
Logos and trademarks on this site are property of their respective owners.


Website powered by Foundation