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The Library Masturbator Strikes Back 

Carl Monday gets more than he bargained for from the scholarly spanker.

Carl Monday -- the local comedian who portrays a heavily mustached investigative reporter on Channel 3 -- is continuing his well-publicized crusade against The Library Masturbator™.

For those who missed it, Monday lanched his brave exposé of well-read self-abusers last month. In a breathless report, Monday showed hidden-camera footage of some poor shmuck jacking off to internet porn at the Berea library.

The video was uploaded to and quickly went viral. We were so enchanted with the clip that we analyzed it like the Zapruder film. (See Reprise: Birth of the Library Masturbator)

Now Monday is back on the case, confronting the Library Masturbator at his court hearing for indecent exposure. (See Library Masturbator, Part II)

Here's our breakdown of the latest report:

00:01 -- After searching all morning for a suitable headline, Channel 3 somehow settles on "Library Man." Apparently, "Whack Job" was deemed inappropriate.

00:21 -- At a sentencing hearing, a judge explains . . . ah, who are we kidding? Nobody gives a shit. Fast forward to the good stuff!

1:19 -- The Library Masturbator™, aka Matt Cooper, hustles out of the courtroom, hoping to escape Carl Monday. Pipe dream, kid. Better men have tried. Including several who weren't virgins.

1:20 -- Cooper's lawyer says, "This particular offense was a blessing in disguise, because it was really a wake-up call to him." The lesson: Don't wank it in libraries during sweeps week.

1:55 -- Cooper storms out of the courtroom's back door. Unfortunately for him, this trick hasn't worked on Monday since 1982.

1:57 -- Cooper: "Get the fuck away from me!"

2:03 -- Monday follows Cooper and his parents to their minivan, politely asking them to give an interview to the reporter who ruined their lives.

2:04 -- No dice. Papa Cooper forcibly removes Monday from his microphone, chucking the instrument of torture across the parking lot. The only way it could be awesomer is if the Library Masturbator caught it and initiated a rousing game of "Monday in the Middle."

2:19 -- "As we attempted to leave, Cooper and his dad try to get in the last word," Monday narrates. Oddly, the video shows Monday walking toward the Coopers' minivan. Perhaps he needed a ride home.

2:28 -- Bored with Monday, the Coopers attack his cameraman. "Get the fuck out of my face," Cooper tells him. After Mama Cooper restrains her son, Papa Cooper tells the cameraman to "turn that off, or I'll shove it up your ass." Like father, like Library Masturbator.

2:38 -- A police officer diffuses the situation, telling the Coopers to walk away, thus ruining our fun at their expense. Asshole.

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September 9, 2020

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