10 Reasons to Stay Inside

Batman and a pot-smoking teddy fire up the summer movie season

Summer's the time when movie studios unleash their big boys — the multiplex-shaking behemoths that will make tons of money for a week or two and then mostly be forgotten by the time year-end best-of awards are handed out. As usual, there's lots of superheroes and shit blowing up on this summer's schedule. We can't wait to have four of our five senses assaulted by these 10 movies. We can almost taste them already.

Snow White and the Huntsman

(June 1)

Forget Mirror Mirror, the other recent movie to twist the classic fairy tale. This one stars Kristen Stewart as a kick-ass warrior who teams up with the dude who's supposed to kill her (Chris Hemsworth, Thor in The Avengers) to take down the evil queen (Charlize Theron). Best of all: No sneezing dwarfs!


(June 8)

Ridley Scott says this sci-fi thriller isn't the Alien prequel fans think it is. Doesn't matter. When Noomi Rapace (the original girl with the dragon tattoo), Michael Fassbender, and Charlize Theron come face to face with hostile creatures in outer space, it has us thinking Ripley and crew all over again.

Rock of Ages

(June 15)

Adapted from the Broadway hit that tells the story of an '80s rock star (played by Tom Cruise) and two young hopefuls via the songs of Bon Jovi and Def Leppard, this movie will either be cheesy as hell or, like, totally awesome.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

(June 22)

Did you know that before he became our 16th President, Honest Abe stalked the land killing vampires? It's true. Did you also know that John Wilkes Booth was a vampire with a grudge to settle? This action-horror blowout will fill you in on the details they didn't tell you in school.


(June 22)

Last summer's Cars 2 was Pixar's first real disappointment. They hope to make things right with this animated 3D story set during medieval times about an independent-minded young woman who's way handy with a bow and arrow — just like that girl in The Hunger Games!


(June 29)

Family Guy mastermind Seth MacFarlane's big-screen directorial debut stars Mark Wahlberg as a guy whose best bud is a pot-smoking, foul-mouthed teddy bear. If "pot-smoking, foul-mouthed teddy bear" doesn't hook you, you might want to stick with the latest Madagascar movie instead.

The Amazing Spider-Man

(July 3)

Still trying to figure out why a franchise that launched just 10 years ago needs a reboot so soon? Andrew Garfield stars as the webhead, Emma Stone plays his gal pal, and the big villain is the Lizard. You don't need any other reasons.

The Dark Knight Rises

(July 20)

Never mind the superhero tag: If any movie is going to topple The Avengers as summer 2012's best, it's this — the third and final chapter of Christopher Nolan's terrific Batman trilogy. Tom Hardy plays villain Bane, who's more dangerous than all of the Caped Crusader's other foes combined.

The Bourne Legacy

(August 3)

Matt Damon is sitting out of the latest Bourne movie, which is directed by the guy who wrote the other three. Jeremy Renner steps in as a new CIA assassin trained and fucked over by the same shifty organization responsible for Damon's dilemma.

The Campaign

(August 10)

Opening right around the time when election season starts its big swing, this comedy — starring Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis as North Carolina politicians running for Congress — is a perfect primer for the real thing. But it probably won't be as ridiculous.

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