As Nasty as They Wanna Be

Disgustobarf fans, this one's for you.

Need a quick and easy way to tell if you're a total a-hole? Go check your record collection for any Moistboyz LPs. If you come across one of the band's four discs, congratulations! You're officially a dick.

A side project of Ween's Mickey Melchiondo (aka Dean Ween), the Moistboyz are a pointedly offensive mock rock troupe that practically sweats sarcasm. Their latest album, IV, boasts everything from tender odes to the fairer sex ("Everybody's Fucked Her") to scathing critiques of American foreign policy ("I Don't Give a Fuck Where the Eagle Flies"). The 'Boyz have goofed on everything from anti-Semitism to homophobia in crass tunes that are really funny only to obnoxious types like us. In honor of the Moistboyz' upcoming stop at the Beachland Ballroom this Saturday, we got to thinking about the most offensive bands of all time. Clear the kids out of the room, as we count down music's most distasteful acts.

5. Cannibal Corpse
You'd have to leave the toilet seat up for approximately 73 years to incur the wrath of females the way Cannibal Corpse has. And with songs like "Entrails Ripped From a Virgin's Cunt," "I Cum Blood," and "Fucked With a Knife," it's little wonder that these longhairs send ladies fleeing faster than nude photos of John Goodman. But hey, we can understand why these death-metal savages have penned so many songs about gettin' it on with dead girls -- with lyrics like theirs, that's probably all they can get.

4. Kool Keith
How nasty is Kool Keith? Nastier than Blatz beer, the smell of burnt hair, and the Portajohns at Ozzfest combined. Keith is at his randiest on 1997's Sex Style. Adopting the persona of Big Willie Keith, the MC invents a raunchy new style of rap that he dubs "porno-core." The titles of skits like "Lick My Ass" and "Stuck on Pussy Drive" should give you a pretty good idea where Keith is coming from on this one. His rhymes are far too graphic to print -- they're enough to make Luther Campbell blush -- but let's just say there's lots of, um, watersports involved -- and we're not talking about parasailing.

3. The Frogs
The fucked-up, folk-leaning Frogs have always been pointedly tongue-in-cheek and juvenile -- a dick joke come to life. The Milwaukee duo, composed of brothers Jimmy and Dennis Flemion, made a name for itself with explicitly gay anthems ("Hot Cock Annie") and gross-out sex songs ("Grandma in the Corner With a Penis in Her Hand"). And if their unspeakable ode to fornicating with infants ("Baby Greaser George") doesn't offend you, nothing will. But what really solidifies the Frogs' inclusion on this list is the band's Racially Yours LP. Originally recorded in 1993, the satirical disc was shelved for seven years because of the unabashed bigotry of its songs ("The Purification of the Race," "Darkmeat 4 Sale") and its cover, which featured Dennis in blackface. The disc bore a sticker declaring it "The Most Offensive Album Ever," and for once, the boast wasn't just record company B.S.

2. Johnny Rebel
Considered by many to be the forefather of the racist hatecore movement, Johnny Rebel was a backwoods Archie Bunker. Beginning in the mid-'60s, the Louisiana native became a leading figure in the hillbilly-heavy segregationist music scene by penning such imaginatively titled country ditties as "Nigger-Nigger," "Who Likes a Nigger," and "Move Them Niggers North." Rebel's stuff is so grotesque that eBay actually banned sales of his albums. This from a company that once facilitated the sale of Madonna's Pap smear.

1. Anal Cunt
Anal Cunt is the musical equivalent of Divine gobbling a dog turd in Pink Flamingos. Just how vile can one band get? Hell, A.C.'s orifice-adorned logo alone will have you reaching for the Pepto-Bismol. Frontman Seth Putnam is a recovering crack addict, which helps explain past song titles like "I Made Your Kid Get A.I.D.S. So You Could Watch It Die," "I Sent Concentration Camp Footage to America's Funniest Home Videos," and "Women: Nature's Punching Bag." The band takes its name from a song by poo-flingin' shock-rocker G.G. Allin, who's been seriously one-upped by the unrepentant hardcore of these Massachusetts hellions. Like Monster-in-Law and animal porn, this stuff is only for the strong of stomach.

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