Bogus reporters

Over the past few months, various bands have told us they've been contacted by shadowy figures who claim to be Scene writers, then ask various "weird questions." While a few of these reporters were no doubt legit — "legit" being a very relative term when it comes to our staff -- most of them appear to have been bogus. So we hereby offers a few pointers on how to recognize the morons and stiffs who write for us. - Scene writers never wear suits, except to sentencing hearings and funerals. -- They won't ask you for your Social Security number, though they may request the phone number of your sister if she is hot or has a job. -- They won't threaten you with a negative article if you won't let them and 10 friends into your club for free. They will, however, mooch drinks from your customers whenever they run out of money. -- They will never say "A purty mouth like that could get you a good record review." But they will tend to make general atmospheric comments, such as "Isn't it a little warm in here with all these pants on?" If in doubt, keep your pants on, and contact Scene to verify the person's identity. -- D.X. Ferris