Critical Fatwa

Knock it off with the crappy re-releases, Mariah Carey.

Mariah Carey
Some grand faiths have their own adversaries (like, say, Pharaohs and Pharisees) to scourge the faithful. But for those of us who hold music on high, there is but one many-faced demon -- named not Legion, but Record Company. As digital music leads us to the promised land, we must declare an eternal fatwa on those who are but leeches on the body of rock and those Judases who aid them. For daring to re-release a poor album with a few bonus tracks, we denounce you, Mariah Carey!

Reissuing a relatively new album with a couple extra tracks isn't without precedent. 50 Cent did it a few months ago (and don't think we didn't notice). But trying to get the members of Carey's young fan base to buy her album again, instead of downloading the few decent singles -- oh, the greed! Like a lung-cancer patient sneaking a butt, the record companies have proved themselves incapable of curtailing the sin that will kill them -- while Carey has shown the fawning sycophancy that has left her a third-rate artist with a first-rate voice. May she remarry her label head, so that she can sing while his Rome burns.

It is written.

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