Cleveland Taco Week returns on Monday, April 10th!

Fast Mattress

Wed, Mar 17, 2004 at 4:00 am

John Christie's Tavern 991 E. 185th Street 216-481-9635. 11 a.m. to 10:30 p.m. Monday through Friday, 5 to 10 p.m. Saturday; bar remains open later.

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(www.fastmattresssucks.com) If Black Sabbath mastermind Tony Iommi put his shoulder-length hair up in a big beehive hairdo, traded his guitar for a keyboard, and swapped Ozzy for the B-52s' Kate Pierson and Cindy Wilson, the resulting band would probably sound a lot like Cleveland's Fast Mattress.

And yes, "Iron Man" would still rip. Fast Mattress puts a brief, breezy spin on the metal classic in a disturbing tale of true-life terror called "Daddy Has a Mullet." Organist Tina's whistling, hair-bristling, rock-lobster keyboards fill the slot traditionally reserved for lead guitar. The quintet never strays far from a twilight zone crawling with gross characters: bullish weightlifters, boys with itchy crotches, invading aliens, and jerk-offs. Guitarist Davey and bassist Jay buzz and grind, filling in the background behind Tina's keys and Shelly's shrill vocals. There's not a giant market for this kind of thing, and it's a shame, because Fast Mattress is all the way there. Put 'em on tour with the Cramps, and they may never come back. -- D.X. Ferris