A Public Service Message From Antifa to Conservatives About Covid-19 Vaccines

Scene: Camera closes in on two cheerful stoners sitting on a couch in their micro-apartment, playing FIFA 21 in between bites of steel-cut oatmeal.

Chad: “Hi. I’m Chad.”

Todd: “And I’m Todd.”

In Unison: “And we’re from Antifa!”

Chad: “We’re here today on behalf of RINO establishment Gov. Mike DeWine, who’s enlisted us in his insidious plot.”

Todd: “That’s right, Chad. You may have heard from the Lamestream Media that Covid cases are surging again. The unvaccinated now account for 99 percent of all new deaths!

Chad: “Correct, Todd. Only people defending their liberties are dying. And with the hyper-contagious Delta variant…”

Todd: “Thanks, Chinese lab!”

Chad: “…patriots are playing right into our hands. It’s only a matter of time before no one’s left to stop our Globalist Agenda.”

In Unison: “Thanks, patriots!”

Chad: “In the next few months, Gov. Mike will be shoving his exciting new vision for Ohio down your throats.”

Todd: “We’ll be coming to take your motorized lawn care equipment.”

Chad: “Bad for the environment!”

Todd: “And your Statler Brothers records too."

Chad: “Both 8-track and cassette!”

Todd: “And the venison from your second freezer in the garage.”

Chad: “Have you ever had a steak made from legumes and chia seeds? Mmm, delicious!”

Todd: “Don’t even think about trying to flee. We’re replacing your Silverado with a fixed-gear Schwinn. You won’t get far!”

Chad: “Now some of you may be thinking, ‘Ha! I’ll just foil DeWine’s dastardly plot by getting vaccinated.’”

Todd: “Not so fast, patriots! Gov. Mike anticipated your move. Starting today, anyone with a sign on their door that reads, ‘Never mind the dog. Beware of owner,’ can no longer get a free shot.”

Chad: “Same goes for anyone who knows at least half the lyrics to Freebird.”
In Unison: “We’re taking away your rights!”

Chad: “We’re not exactly sure how we’re going to enforce this.”

Todd: “Yeah, it’s not like we test everybody’s Skynyrd knowledge in the middle of a CVS.”

Chad: “And we never figured out how to get a microchip through the needle of a measles shot. That means we can’t tell the difference between a sheeple and an anti-vax freedom fighter!”

Todd: “So, theoretically, a smart patriot could thwart our scheme. Is that right, Chad?”

Chad: “Not just any patriot, Todd. But someone super-courageous? Someone who’s waited his entire his life for the right moment to be the hero? No one can stop a guy like that. Our only hope is that he doesn’t attract too many followers.”

Todd: “Never gonna happen, Chad. You’d have to be brave enough to run a gauntlet of disinterested pharmacy staff at an exurban Walmart. They don’t have the guts.”

Chad: “You’re right, Todd. There’s not enough Kevlar in the world to take that risk.”

Todd: “What’s ironic is that patriots are always willing to die for freedom. Now they’re just dying for Antifa’s freedom.”

In Unison: “Irony personified!”

Chad: “Deep down, you know they really want us to teach their children about non-conforming gender roles.”

Todd: “And let us put rap on the jukebox at VFWs.”

Chad: “And cancel the Muskingum County stock car races.”

In Unison: “Noise pollution!”

Todd: “So thank you, patriots. You’re sacrifice will allow us to create a better, more RINO-Antifa world.”

In Unison: “Smash the patriarchy!”

Announcer: “This has been a public service announcement from Antifa. Paid for by Establishment RINOs for a Radical Left Agenda. Anthony Gonzalez, treasurer.”