A Tour of Cleveland's Finest Fast Food Joints By Way of Yelp Reviews

Everyone loves a quick trip to the Yelp well for a little conventional wisdom on their upcoming night out on the town, right? Or maybe you're in a need of a double cheeseburger and you just can't decide which fast food joint will best cater to your refined taste?

Either way, it's always an, um, interesting trip down the rabbit hole. Yelp reviewers are often a fickle and toxic bunch. There's no answer to the mystery of why someone would actually review, say, a Burger King. But, hey, we're all hanging out on the Internet today; let's read up on our options.

Take a tour of Cleveland's various fast food spots, won't you?

That really fancy McDonald's at Rockside Road and Route 21 in Independence

Really? Have you ever heard the phrase "polishing a turd?" McDonalds is what it is, mass produced terrible food. Having a fancy building (because of local code) doesn't mean it's anything more than that. I'm thinking (hoping) these other reviewers were on some sort of drugs. I seriously question the validity of yelp when I see that McDonalds has a higher average rating than the Winking Lizard which is within walking distance.


The Steelyard Burger King

Well, I sat down waiting for my family while they waited for the food.. Wasn't done for another 10 minutes or so. Mind you it was after 1:30 and was not busy AT ALL! The workers were rude, not professional at all and the only thing they even cared about was which coworkers pants they were going to get into that night.

When my mom came to the table I took a sip of my "iced tea".. It was completely hot, tasted disgusting and had no ice whatsoever. The burgers were completely cold, barely a half of a piece of bacon! The fries were overcooked, hard and tasted stale.

Rally's on West 117th

You know you've hit the dregs of post-2 A.M. grub when you see that anything quick and fit for human consumption is closed and you turn your wearied eye towards Rally's.

If it's not the homeless man who tried to wedge himself between your car and the window and offers to give your money to the cashier for a fee that gets you, it's the disgruntled teenagers hanging out that shower your car with what's left of their milkshakes.

I can say this for certainty: This place sells food ostensibly for humans. Whether you should purchase and willingly put it in your body is a question only you can answer.

On the Pearl/Brookpark White Castle, in full:

This makes cleveland look bad.

Popeye's on Broadway, which calls to mind frightening, theatrical images

Close this joint already. I will never understand how a chicken place runs out of the whole freaking menu 4 hours before closing time. Only legs and thighs, in one flavor, really?

So either supreme laziness is the culprit or a poorly managed location, either way forgetaboutit.

And here's a positive quip, via the Burger King on Rockside:

Obviously, this BK has no higher standards than any other and they're not serving gourmet or anything, but I've never experienced better service at a fast food restaurant (and most restaurants for that matter).

I can't remember our cashier's name, it started with a D, I think, but she was an absolute treat. Bubbling with personality, NOT acting like she hates her job and joking around with us, D is pretty much the best thing that's ever happened to BK. I hope D goes on to do big things, but I also feel like I'll never experience customer service like hers again. (ed note: emphasis added)

Duck down to the comments section below and leave your own rambling reviews of wherever the hell you find yourself binging on drunk food this weekend. We're predicting three Cheesy Gordita Crunches to the face around 2:30 or so tonight, followed by a backseat bongload laced with Doritos Locos' very special "flavor dust." Happy Friday.

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Eric Sandy

Eric Sandy is an award-winning Cleveland-based journalist. For a while, he was the managing editor of Scene. He now contributes jam band features every now and then.
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