Why Are Some Americans Rooting for Putin? An FAQ

Rally for peace in Ukraine outside the White House in Washington, DC. - Mike Maguire/FlickrCC
Mike Maguire/FlickrCC
Rally for peace in Ukraine outside the White House in Washington, DC.

Before America was great again, we used to care when ruthless dictators invaded small, defenseless countries. That was a waste of time, wasn’t it?

Only recently have we learned that “dictator” is just another word for “strong, decisive leader.” Donald Trump calls Vladimir Putin “savvy” and a “genius.” He won’t try to cancel you or claim you’re a racist, adds Kremlin fanboy Tucker Carlson. He doesn’t manufacture fake pandemics or teach your children about slavery.

As for those poor, defenseless countries? Puleeease!

If you’re already worried about, say, fentanyl crossing our southern border, you can’t possibly worry about something else at the same time. “I’m sick of being told that we have to care more about people 6,000 miles away than we do people like my mom and my grandparents,” says Millionaire Venture Capitalist/Voice of the Working Man J.D. Vance.

In short: We should have never overthrown the tyrant King George.

We understand this is a lot to digest. Especially after 236 years of thinking like morons. So we now open the floor to your questions:

I always thought democracy was kind of our thing. What gives?

It was. Past tense. Then we discovered that our greatest president could lose by 7 million votes and not even be able to declare himself the winner. Revised conclusion: Democracy blows chunks.

But aren’t we supposed to be against invasions? Like when the Mexicans invade our border?

That’s different. Mexicans are showoffs, always taunting us with how hard they work. We don’t even know if Ukraine is a real country. Where’s the research? Have you ever seen it on a map? And if you have, how do you know that map wasn’t made by Bill Gates?

But wouldn’t it suck if Putin was the dictator of America?

Absolutely not. Did you know the average Ruskie only makes the equivalent of $263 a month? That means nearly all the money flows up to the more deserving few. Mitch McConnell would give his pancreas for an economy like that.

Russia’s also a police state. Complain about the cops accidentally shooting your son – or pretty much anything else – and you’ll find yourself flopping like a fish from a lethal dose of poison. That’s how a real leader deals with the woke mob.

But doesn’t Jesus teach us to care about others? Even Ukrainians?

That’s clearly a misprint. If Covid taught us anything, it’s that caring for others is way too hard, and may even involve briefly wearing a mask at the liquor store.

What about the children being killed?

What’s wrong with you? Everyone knows we only care about fetuses. Once they’re born, they’re just another moocher with their hand out, trying to sell you candy to raise money for the school band. I mean, the friggin’ band? Are you kidding me?

None of this would have happened if Donald Trump was still president, right?

Exactly. We’ll concede that Trump isn’t much for face-to-face battle. Recall the whole bone spurs thing. Or how he cowered in a bunker during a protest near the White House. Or how he shouted encouragement from the rear as brave patriots tried to overthrow our government. If you expect him to have your back in a dark alley, you’re in deep shit.

But Trump is the greatest paperwork fighter this country has ever known. He’s spent a lifetime battling subpoenas, dodging lawsuits from business associates he’s stiffed, evading depositions from women he molested.

Putin knows that if he invaded Ukraine while Trump was president, he’d be tied up in litigation for years. Or at least until Trump’s lawyers realized they’d never get paid.

So what you’re saying is high gas prices are Joe Biden’s fault?

Yes. America has been a net-exporter of oil for years, meaning we produce more than we need. But just because there’s a shortage elsewhere doesn’t mean we shouldn’t jack prices here. It’s called smart business, people.

Yet it only hurts the economy if we blame Exxon or Chevron. Better to blame Biden. As we also learned from the pandemic, people who do their own research suck at doing their own research. Nobody will be the wiser.

So really everything is Biden’s fault?

Who else? If Chipotle runs out of guacamole, it’s Biden’s fault. If Marcy from work declines your invite to see a Def Leppard cover band, it’s Biden’s fault. He’s a leader of “enormous weakness,” notes former Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, making for “an America on its back, an America that apologizes.”

And as any woman anywhere will tell you, no one likes a guy who apologizes.

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