Breaking News: C-Notes Obtains 9-1-1 Tape of Chicken Choker Caught by Trucker

Now that Carl Monday’s on board at Action News, masturbating in public just isn’t safe anymore. While at Channel 3, he broke story of a man caught smacking the bishop in the Berea Public Library. Now, Action News reporter Denise Strzelczyk has apparently taken Monday’s beat off his hands with the shocking tale of a man busted for DWJ -- Driving While Jackin’ It. Fifty-six-year-old Michael Riley probably thought he was safe freeing Willy on the freeway, as he drove his Chevy Corsica down OH-11 in Trumbull County. What he didn’t count on was the trucker driving next to him catching him in the act. What’s even more disgusting: Riley, who works for a religious organization that finds homes for foster children, had three young kids riding in his back seat. The trucker called 9-1-1, and Riley was pulled over shortly after by the police, who charged him with public indecency. Through C-Notes' top-secret sources, and with some help from the folks behind the Wanklist we’ve obtained a copy of that tape. Here’s the transcript: Caller: Hello, 9-1-1? This is Northbound. We’ve got a guy going Southbound on himself in the car next to me. Operator: Caller, I’m not sure I understand what you’re saying. Please be clearer. Caller: I’m telling you, he’s cuffing the carrot, playing closet frisbee. This guy’s got a date with Mother Thumb and her four daughters. And he’s got kids in the car! This is terrible! Operator: Ummm, I still don’t think I’m reading you, caller. . . Caller: Oh my god! He’s coralling the tadpoles, buffing the banana, adjusting the sundial. You guys better get out here before he blows the brains out of Charles the Bald. Operator: Who the heck is Charles the Bald? Caller, is there an emergency out there, or is this some sort of joke? Caller: Joke? It is if you consider beating the bed flute a joke. This guy’s helping Mr. Kleenex’s kids get through college and you guys don’t even care. Operator: Whoa there, caller. Who in the damn hell is Mr. Kleenex? Is he hurting you? Caller: No goddamnit! It’s a metaphor. I’ll be as straight-forward with you people as I can be. There’s a guy in the car next to me performing diagnostics on his man-tool. He’s punishing Woodrow for uppity behavior. Oh shit, he’s about to summon the genie. Hurry up! Operator: Oh No! Are you saying there’s a guy saying a prayer in the Church of the First Holy Monkey? We’ll send officers right away, sir. -- Jared Klaus
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