Celebrity Cheers & Jeers: Police Dispatcher Edition

Attempting to ride the enormously successful Plain Dealer feature "Cheers and Jeers," which they in turn stole from another paper, C-Notes has contacted some of today's hottest and most controversial public figures to chime in on the week's news headlines. This week's celebrity: A Cleveland Police Dispatcher. Jeers: To police in Florida, who for some reason didn't think it was necessary to shoot Antonio Goldsmith when he walked into the Daytona Beach police station and surrendered for the murder of a man in East Cleveland. Apparently, the memo "Shoot to kill" hasn't made it to the panhandle yet. The safety of officers should always be paramount. So a guy's holding up his arms and saying "I give up," but how do you know he doesn't have a third arm reaching around his back with a shotgun? Cheers: To officials at Parknoll Elementary School in Berea, who closed down the school after a stomach bug sickened teachers and kids. My advice: The principal should have rounded them up in an unventilated janitor's closet and pumped some poisonous gas in there. Then, while they labored to breathe, whisper through your gas mask that this is why you told them to always wash your hands. Jeers: To Painesville Judge Michael Cicconetti, who handed down a "barker" of a sentence to a man convicted of shooting his poor dog to death because it wouldn't stop barking. Robert Clark may only have to spend 10 days in jail if he agrees to dress up like "Safety Pup" and give talks at elementary schools. Where's the justice in this world? If I were the judge, I would have sentenced him to roll around in dog food and get thrown in a cage with a hundred rabid pit bulls, then have his chewed corpse set on fire and raised up on a flag pole above the Justice Center, then have his ashes mixed with gravy and served to the homeless on Easter, then have those homeless people visit Clark's children, knock on their front door, vomit on their shoes and say, "Your dad tastes like shit." When are we going to finally elect officials with courage? Cheers: To psychologist Sandra McPherson, who testified in the trial of Michael and Sharen Gravelle that the wooden cages they made their kids sleep in were perfectly appropriate parenting devices. It's about time someone stood up for these poor parents. When the hell is Fisher Price gonna take a hint from these people and start making some cages for the rest of us? I swear no matter how tight I make the police handcuffs, my 4-year-old can always wriggle free. -- Jared Klaus
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