Christopher Watts, Thirsty Akron Man, Smashes Through Store Wall for Beer

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Im here for the beer. Yeah, all of it.
  • "I'm here for the beer. Yeah, all of it."

When a man gets thirsty, he's likely to do some strange things. 45-year-old Christopher Watts of Akron proves this point. The other night, he had the suds pangs something bad. The problem? The Marathon station nearby wasn't open. It also didn't have a drive-through.

So he decided to give the building one.

When police arrived at the scene at around 2 a.m., Watts was trying to bust inside the gas station with a sledge-hammer, according to the Akron Beacon Journal. Although the report says Watts declined to talk to officers, he still managed to drop some of the most memorable one-liners uttered in a police report in awhile. Somebody get this guy a Twitter account. Or fuck it, give him an FX show. Emphasis ours:


“How can I be charged with breaking and entering? I didn’t even get in yet,” he reportedly told the officers.

Watts was arrested without a fight and declined to speak to officers. However, at one point, he said the business needed “to have a drive-up window,” the report shows.

When the owner arrived to survey the damage, Watts said to officers: “I told him I was gonna come back for the rest of that beer.”

The wit is currently facing charges of breaking and entering, possession of criminal tools and vandalism.

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