Cleveland Christian Concert Hailed as Covid Super-Spreader Event of the Season

Heeding God’s commandment to “whack thy neighbor,” hundreds of Christians gathered maskless and without social distancing for a concert in Edgewater Park last week. The goal was to spread the Good Word. And try to kill each other.

The event was organized by Sean Feucht, a Christian rocker and failed Republican congressional candidate. He’s on a national tour to counteract Black Lives Matter protests over police killings. Feucht’s tour, titled “You Call That Killing? Get a Load of This!” promises to show BLM’s “violent paid protesters” that white people are dying too. It’s just by their own hand.

Video of the concert depicts the flaxen-haired frontman roaring through a medley of megachurch hits. His breathy, plaintive anthems had the crowd dancing in rapture, which was exactly the point. By gathering without precautions, they appeared to be hastening the End Times.

That’s the Biblical prophecy that a pissed off God will smite Earth in a ball of fire. Disciples of lesser religions will be baked to an unappetizing crisp. Yet evangelicals will ascend to Heaven, where they will be served free decaf lattes, plus a wide selection of white bread and Jell-O.

Concertgoers did their best to bring about the rapture. They gathered tightly in prayer, dancing and jumping to celebrate God — who apparently has little regard for epidemiology, even though he invented it. Some were baptized in Lake Erie. There’s no word on how many contracted E. coli.

Cleveland health officials praised the concert as “the super-spreader event of the season.” By sharing airborne pathogens, then transmitting them to waiters, hoteliers, friends, kids, bus drivers, teachers, and older relatives, the city can finally gain prominence in the national death standings.

“We needed that,” said an exuberant Rhonda Kendricks, spokeswoman for the Cleveland Health Department. “Our death rates really aren’t as high as they could be.”

Yet her enthusiasm never reached Metroparks police. They cordoned off the area and issued concert organizers a citation. Feucht wasn’t worried. He lives in California. And after hosting concerts from Kenosha to Portland, he plans to be dead before it’s time to pay.

Norm Osborne, who drove in from Wadsworth, called it a “beautiful night for music and attempted mass suicide.” At age 23, he isn’t particularly worried about dying himself. But he hopes to pass the virus to older uncles and aunts who are Catholic. “By giving the gift of premature death, they won’t have to spend eternity in a deep-fat fryer.”

Missy Emery wants to give the virus to older coworkers at Bed Bath & Beyond. “We’re expecting layoffs,” she said. “If God could take out people with more seniority, it’s just proof of his loving wisdom.”

It will take two weeks to know if their prayers were answered, when intensive care units begin to fill. But either way, it’s a win-win for Jesus. “I’ve been hugging every old person I know,” said Emery. “A job’s bound to open up somewhere.”
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