CNN: The Most Trusted Name in Freak Shows

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Remember when CNN used to be a serious news provider? Every time you turned it on, they had a foreign correspondent with a British accent in Kosovo. Then you changed the channel. But you knew that somewhere, somebody more patient, educated, and important than you was watching, and you were glad. But it turns out CNN wasn’t too happy with the Theoretical Sophisticate Demographic — that shit’s for NPR. That’s why it’s moved to a more to a more conventional business model, ala Fox News: Round Up Some Freaks And Show ‘Em To America. Today’s visitor to doesn’t quite know which news clip to view first: the doctor-mystifying seven-foot 12-year old, or the guy with blue skin. I mean, that kid’s so tall that his face hurts. And Blue Man — well, he’s a deep shade of azure -- turned blue after rubbing his face with collodial silver to treat a skin condition—cruelly ironic. Turns out he’s not the only one — in ‘02, a Libertarian named Stan Jones vied to become America’s first blue senator after overdosing on the same collodial silver. That’s right, we did additional research. If you’re looking for something even more newsworthy, there’s always the story of the man just released from death row after copping a plea deal. So what if CNN doesn’t tell us why he was sentenced to death in the first place. What do you think this is, the ‘90s? – Gus Garcia-Roberts

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