(Editors note: Before you ask, we've already begun investigating signing up Jared Klaus for sensitivity training. If you know any good programs, please let us know).
Hooray for the guy who got dropped off at Fairview Hospital this morning with a fatal gunshot wound! You’re the lucky 100th homicide victim in the city of Cleveland this year!
Yay for us!
While our great city may suck pretty bad at educating, policing, running elections, and whatever else cities do, we can proudly say that our murder rate is among the most impressive around. Last year we didn’t reach the 100-kill mark until November. This is what you call “beating quota.”
Sadly, the murder early this morning was a bit anti-climactic for such a landmark occasion. It happened at West 128th Street and Bel-Aire Avenue, when a man in his 20s was shot trying to buy drugs with fake money. Had he known he was going to be lucky 100, perhaps he could have suggested his killer strap him to some fireworks, or toss him from the top of the Key Tower. Shootings are so, like, two weeks ago. -- Jared Klaus