Dainty Democrat slurs

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Today, the Sherrod Brown campaign sent over a press release denouncing Mike DeWine's latest TV ad, in which the good senator twists newpaper stories to make it seem as if said papers are with him, and that Brown is very, very bad. As political ads go, this is to originality what Sam Fulwood is to poetic license. That's why God invented channel surfers. But the scarier revelation came from Brown's own camp, which appears to be upholding the long tradition of dainty Democrat denunciations -- which is why Democrats keep getting their asses kicked by trust fund frat boys. The press release quotes spokeswoman Joanna Kuebler as saying: "It appears as though Senator DeWine can't help himself. Every ad uses distortions or parlor tricks to try and fool voters." Parlor tricks? Is Sherrod running for the French Senate? As any good Clevelander knows, the proper way to insult someone usually begins with a long string of expletives, generally followed by a clever quip. And if you're not feeling particularly clever that day, feel free to just go with the expletives. For example, let's assume Ms. Joanna Kuebler is having a bad day. A trusty standby is to combine your insult with a reference to excrement, as in: "Mike DeWine is a huge piece of shit." That sounds better, doesn't it? It lends a certain forcefulness to your denunciation, and also lets Mike know that, were you in the same room at this moment, you might very well hit him with a tape dispenser. This insult also comes with an adaptable framework. For example, Ms. Kuebler could have said "Mike DeWine is a lying piece of shit." Or, if she was feeling fiesty, "I'd like to smack this shit outta Mike DeWine" would have been sufficient. The key to expressing a good insult is to let your opponent know that A) You're really pissed, and B) You'd like to burn down his house if you could just remember where you put that can of gasoline. So let's try to avoid further reference to "parlor tricks," shall we, Ms. Kuebler? In popular language, parlors were replaced by "living rooms" long ago, and describing someone as using "living room tricks" creates they image that they may have simply invited a hooker over to watch the Ohio State game on their big screen. Since DeWine is strictly into men, implying that he's consorting with hookers would be technically inaccurate. --Pete Kotz

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