Dennis Kucinich's Blowout Sale! Act Fast!

He may suck at most everything related to his actual job, but Congressman Dennis Kucinich is proving to be quite the savvy marketer. He's made a mint by selling pocket copies of the U.S. Constitution signed with his autograph for $50 a pop. Without his autograph: free from constitutionfacts.com. Ripping off guys who eat at Planet Smoothie and shop at Unique Thrift for retro hats: Priceless! But now it seems Dennis is starting to get desperate for cash. All that “campaigning” in Hawaii, Las Vegas, and California can put a hurtin’ on Uncle Sam’s American Express card. Hence his new fundraiser: the “Kucinich Grassroots Raffle.” For $25 per ticket, you can enter to win any one of these awesome grand prizes: 1). Sit with Elizabeth Kucinich at the next Presidential Debate: Win paid airfare and hotel accommodations in Las Vegas on November 15 for the Democratic Presidential Debate. Sit next to Elizabeth Kucinich during the debate, then go backstage to meet Dennis. Plusses: - The chance to ask Elizabeth, “Seriously, has he drugged you? Are you OK?” - Once your feeble attempts to steal Dennis’ wife fail, there are always the prospects of gambling and open prostitution to keep you busy. Minuses: - Unlike at the Siegfried & Roy show, there isn’t a hungry tiger waiting to carry Dennis off the stage in her teeth. - If Hillary Clinton and John Edwards decide to pull another fast one, you might be sitting next to Elizabeth and her husband during the debate. 2). Backstage Passes to an Ani DeFranco Concert: The singer-songwriter is a major Kucinich fan. Win two backstage passes to one of her shows, at which Kucinich will be speaking. Plusses: -You get to see Ani DeFranco live! Minuses: -You have to sit through Dennis’ 1045th retelling of the time the nuns at his Catholic school stopped the bullies from humiliating him in front of his peers. Thanks to them, Dennis now has the self-confidence to do it himself. 3). Double-Date with Dennis and Elizabeth Next time Kucinich and his wife are in your area, you and a friend or significant other can take them out to dinner. Plusses: -You can pick whatever restaurant you want to go to, no matter how expensive. Minuses: -You have to pick up the check. It seems sales of Kucinich-autographed copies of the Koran were a bit slow this month. -- Jared Klaus