DON'T HATE US BECAUSE THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL

Do those smiles look fake? Do they mask seething geography- and sports-based hatred about to boil over? At a recent event at Buca di Beppo Italian restaurant in Vegas, Miss Ohio and Miss Michigan were seated next to each other. Organizers either were oblivious to the famous Rust Belt rivalry, or (more likely, we think) knew exactly the risks they were taking and hoped that video of a brawl would go viral and help promote the Miss USA Pageant. No such luck, for them or us. But what do you suppose they talked about? How the death of American manufacturing is also killing both states? How glad they were not to be home that day dealing with snow in frickin' April? Probably, though we prefer to believe they traded taunts and quoted stats through gritted teeth all through dinner, then threw down later back at the hotel. And we really really hope that Miss Ohio won, because we're so ashamed of thinking that ... that ... oh God ... OK, we'll just come right out and say it: We think Miss Michigan is just as hot. Don't hate us, we're suffering enough already. Maybe if we focus on the fact that Miss D.C. is prettier than both of them ... — Frank Lewis