Now that we've told you how to make your own costume and where to get the goods, take that new knowledge and put it toward creating a uniquely Cleveland costume. You know the kind — the one that people outside of Northeast Ohio wouldn't get or care about, but one that'll have your friends swooning with envy here and have you at the center of approximately 573 cell phone shots throughout the evening.
Johnny Manziel | Easy peasy, and one that will probably be the choice of some large percentage of 20 to 40 year old white guys around town. Grab a No. 2 jersey (not required), grab a cheap swan floatie from that box of pool accessories in your garage (or hit up eBay), carry around a rolled up $20 bill and spend your night making the Money Manziel sign in the air. Additional costume accessories may include a clipboard and a misguided sense of importance.
Mall Guy | You know him — we all know him — and even if you don't know anything about Mall Guy (all the better to maintain his mystique), you know the rumors and you have ready access to a bedazzling machine or a JoAnn Fabric store. Hit the thrift store for some jeans and a t-shirt for less than five bucks, get some glitter and some glue or some cheap trinkets from the store and go to town. Don't skimp on the bling. And do make sure to inscribe SWAG or PIMPILICIOUS across your chest. Add cheesy sunglasses, spike your hair, douse yourself in bad cologne and you have a winning costume.
Super Pimp | The venerable don of the Cleveland nightlife scene might feel like old hat these days, partially because, ya know, he's getting old, and partially because his flamboyant suits and tanned-to-death hide long ago ceased feeling interesting or quirky. But for a costume everyone will recognize? And one that'll cost you just a few sawbucks at the thrift store suit rack? Not bad at all. Smile and pester everyone around you to include you in their selfies and it'll be hard to distinguish you from the real Super Pimp.
Ed FitzGerald | Ah, Fitz. We had a good run, but chances are this might be his and your last chance at relevancy because a twenty-point beat down awaits on election night. Either way, take this opportunity to carry around a steering wheel and find some nice young Irish lass to escort on your elbow, leave the driver's license at home and you're all set. And when your date asks why you two are stopped in a dark parking lot instead of at a party, just tell her you're looking for the directions.
Drew Carey | Big hipster glasses. A Seattle Sounders jersey. A Price is Right microphone. A maniacal and unhinged and constant chuckle? Cleveland's hometown hero is easy enough. Don't pay attention to calls for you to stop singing "Cleveland Rocks" all night either. Or let them know you'll stop long enough to start hitting the big Libertarian talking points. Their choice.
Josh Gordon | Anyone lighting up a bong or joint in the next two weeks can claim to be Josh Gordon, but if you want to put in just a little extra effort, grab a polo and a name tag and be Car Salesman Josh. Or don't do anything and just smoke a lot of weed.
Public Square | Get into the spirit of downtown revitalization and celebrate with everyone's favorite place to wait for a bus. Just grab a magic marker and write on your body: KeyBank Memorial Left Arm, Cleveland Foundation Centennial Abdomen, Gund Foundation Grundle, Greater Cleveland Partnership Left Ear, etc.
The Chandelier | While we're not entirely sure how to pull this one off — Christmas Lights? Fake jewels hung and taped like Christmas ornaments? — we do think the chandelier (have you heard we have one, by the way?) would be a fun excuse to look fabulous. Dazzle the... well, you see where that one might go.
Columbus Rd. Bridge | To continue the inanimate object series: Walk around with boxes of Viagra and a sandwich board inscribed with, "I haven't been able to get it up since 2012."
Randy From A Christmas Story | One of two versions apply here: Either grab an adult flannel onesie and be Christmas morning Randy or get a snowsuit and wear enough undershirts that you can't move. (The latter, of course, feels like a very sweaty and cumbersome option for a few laughs. A onesie, meanwhile, is gonna make going to the bathroom weird. Just a heads up.)
Carl Monday | Old and cliché? Sure, but so is Carl himself, and a new batch of masturbators are out there waiting to be busted. And who better than you, in a cheap sport coat and a fake microphone and a dashing mustache, to open random doors without knocking to see what sort of mischief people are trying to hide from the public eye.