Feagler and Friends: A Short Play Concerning the State of Cleveland Sports

Scene: Interior. Starbucks on W. 6th. Occasion: First day of Gingerbread Lattes. Dick Feagler, LeBron James, Mark Shapiro and Josh Cribbs sit at a table.

Dick Feagler: So, I was sitting there at the coffee shop with the guys talking about...

LeBron James: Dick, we're right here. We know you're at the coffee shop. You don't need the monologue.

Dick: Sorry, habit. Also, I forgot what we were talking about. Another habit.

LeBron: We're waiting for these lattes.

Josh Cribbs: Yeah, where are they?

Mark Shapiro: Well, Randy, Larry, and Dan were going to bring them over for us. However, in this economic climate the pragmatic approach sometimes belies the underpinnings of what each may hold as his own philosophy. You can't let external judgments or pressures dictate decisions, and in each unique instance, it's only with due diligence to the cost/benefit ratio debate that one may come to his own conclusions.

[Barista walks over. Places one cup in front of LeBron.]

Josh: Where's the rest of them?

[LeBron's publicist rappels from the ceiling to slap a Vitamin Water label over the styrofoam Starbucks cup.]

Barista: What Mark is meaning to say is that Mr. Dolan's order total came to $6.78. As there were only seven pennies in the "Give a Penny, Take a Penny" jar, he's now outside begging for the other $6.71. Mr. Gilbert gladly took care of LeBron's order.

Josh: Well, where the hell is mine then?

[Enter Cleveland Browns President Mike Keenan.]

Mike Keenan: Josh, I'm sorry. Randy couldn't make it. I'm here in place of him however, and I hope that's sufficient.

Josh: What the...

Mike: I've just learned that about two months ago Randy bankrolled a drink that Starbucks had in develoment. It was called the Sausage Gravy Kiwi Peanut Butter Soy Sauce Latte. Thought it was going to be a big hit. Spent $7.5 million in marketing and testing. Turns out, it wasn't exactly what Starbucks was looking for and Randy lost all that money. He regrets to inform you that he can not buy you a coffee this morning, but perhaps sometime in the future...

[Larry Dolan returns from outside, saunters up to Mark Shapiro, and whispers something in his ear.]

Mark: Are you sure we can do that, Larry? [Larry whispers something back to Mark.] OK, then. Excuse me, gentlemen, for one second, I have to make a phone call. [Picks up cell phone and dials.] Hi, this is Mark Shapiro from the Indians, is Theo Epstein available? [Pause.] Hey, Theo, it's Mark. Yeah, good to talk to you too. Hey, I've got an offer for you. We'll trade you LeBron James for $6.71 and a picture of the 2007 World Series trophy.

LeBron: Um, Mark, you can't do that.

Hold on, one second, Theo. Yeah, LeBron says I can't do that either. [Turning to Larry Dolan.] See, Larry, I told you. [Back on the phone.] Alright, well thanks for taking my call Theo. Wait, what's that? Oh yeah, that Victor is pretty good. Alright, I have to go.

Josh: So, why are we here again?

Dick: Well, I thought we'd talk some Cleveland sports.

Mark: LeBron, have you decided whether you're going to re-sign with the Cavs or not?

LeBron: Like I've said before, I like to keep my options...

Dick: Back in my day, our athletes didn't leave town. You want to know why? Well, we'd tie them up in our basements, that's why. Couldn't leave. It was considered a town's civic duty. Hell, I still have Al Rosen tied up in my basement. I feed him crackers. He likes the wheat ones.

Josh: Hell no.

Dick: Heck yes. And back in my day, not only did they stay in your basement, but they canned all the vegetables from your garden too. Jellies and marmalades and pickled cucumbers and tomatoes. Now you just buy it in the store. Al doesn't know how to make jelly.

Josh: I meant, hell no because Al Rosen is dead, Dick.

Dick: Well, the guy certainly looked like Al Rosen. I should call my wife and ask her to find out who's in our basement and if he can make jelly.

[Larry Dolan wanders to the center of Starbucks and takes off his shoes and belt.]

Larry: [Screaming loudly.] Anyone want to buy a belt and some shoes? $6.71, an absolute bargain! Got them at TJ Maxx. The sales associate said they were genuine imitation leather.

LeBron: What I was going to say was that I like to keep my options open. I like Akron, I like Cleveland, and I'm committed to bringing Cleveland a championship this year with the Cavs. Beyond that, I will make a decision about my future when the time is right.

Mark: Unless I can make you a member of the Anaheim Angels soon.

LeBron: No.

[ESPN's Rachel Nichols, who had been sitting silently to the side, stands up and immediately turns toward her cameraman.]

Rachel Nichols: This is Rachel Nichols, and I'm live in Cleveland with LeBron James who just had the following to say about his future with the Cavs. "I like Akron, I like Cleveland, and I'm committed to bringing Cleveland a championship this year with the Cavs," LeBron said. "Beyond that, I will make a decision about my future when the time is right." Notice that last time he spoke about his future he said he "loved" Akron and "loved" Cleveland. Let's go to New York for some live reaction now.

Dick: You know, back in my day...

Josh: Dick, no offense brother, but I swear to God, you're a perm and a dress away from being Rose from the Golden Girls.

Mark: Hey, if we're playing Golden Girls, can I be Stan? He always seemed like a bright guy. And I liked his shirts. Anyone know if I can get Hawaiian prints on polos?

Larry Dolan: [Still wandering between the tables.] Sing you a song for $6.71? Thank you for being a friend. Traveled down the road and back again...

Josh: Hey, do you think Estelle Getty got a raise when the show went big time?

Dick: Hey!

Mark: What?

I was just going to say, back in my day, you guys used to win.

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Vince Grzegorek

Vince Grzegorek has been with Scene since 2007 and editor-in-chief since 2012. He previously worked at Discount Drug Mart and Texas Roadhouse.
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