This week, our intrepid reporter boldly investigates his voicemails...
Headline: City business a role model
Date: October 3, 2006
Topic: In desperate need of a fresh idea, Sammy Danger goes back to his Trusty Fountain of Ideas — a.k.a. his voicemail. This time, Sam gets a call from a racist named Jeff from Chardon, who says white businesses are right not to set up shop on Kinsman Road. Our paragon of anti-racism proves Jeff wrong by finding a successful business run by a white lady who doesn't hate blacks.
Originality: 2/10. Memo to anybody who wants to be in the newspaper: Call Sam and leave him a voicemail.
Difficulty: 2/10. Hey, the voicemail pretty much writes itself.
Sam Gets Poetic: "Linda sees what Jeff is too blind to notice." Which is to say you can't judge a book by its cover. Unless that book is
"Full of It" by Sam Fulwood. Then you know you're in for some crappy reading.
The Master Has Spoken: "So, Jeff from Chardon, I'd love to introduce you to Linda. Maybe a little of her tolerance and humanity will rub off on you." Translation: Hey Jeff, if you help me squeeze another column out of this, I'll buy you a coffee and hold your hand in a prayer for racial healing.
What Sam Reveals About Sam: He's an avid listener to his own voicemail. And when he doesn't like what his voicemail says, he goes out and finds somebody who tells him what he wants to hear. And then he argues with the voicemail in print.
CliffsNotes Version: Boy, am I tapped out! I already wrote about Stephon Marbury's cheap shoes ... twice. What's left? I know! I'll check my voicemail. Ah-ha! This Jeff from Chardon sounds like a loathsome character. The readers will surely get behind me if I take this guy on. But I need help. Which is gonna mean some —
groan — reporting. Let's see... where could I find a white person who runs an inner-city store? Maybe somebody in the business section would know...
