Guest Columnist: Martin Luther King!

FULWOOD WATCH: We Read Sam So You Don't Have To Headline: Dr. King confronts the cynicism of '07 Date: January 16, 2007 Topic: Martin Luther King Day means a day off for many Americans, and that rankles Sam. He's rankled that we spend the day honoring the fallen civil-rights leader and rankled that it happens just once a year. He's extra rankled that racial inequality still persists. But mostly he's rankled 'cause he still had to crank out a column. So what better way to honor Marty Jr. than to let the ol' guy do the work. Sam cribs hefty portions of a King speech, then rips us all for ignoring its wisdom, especially the parts that were only relevant 40 years ago. Originality: 0/10. Paragraphs by Dr. King: 10. Paragraphs by Sam: 9. The King Estate deserves a kickback. Difficulty: 2/10. The judges award a point for not copy-pasting King's entire speech, another for Sammy's deft use of italics. Sam Gets Poetic: "Dr. King wasn't a one-day wonder. His life and message resonate from an Atlanta crypt, even at this late, dark hour of our nation's history." (This was also Sammy's defense for taking Tuesday off too.) The Master Has Spoken: "Hold on! Put down the telephone! Hear me out before you call to scream about how a black man -- a self-sacrificing legacy -- dares utter such heresy." Tune in Thursday, when Sam begins an eye-gouging series on his indestructible blackness. What Sam Reveals About Sam: That he'll shank anybody's legacy for the chance to talk down some more. CliffNotes Version: Where is everybody? God Sam it, we've got a column to wing today! Wait a sec -- yeah, today's Martin Luther King Day! No wonder there aren't any voicemails! No prob, then -- if they won't write it, ol' MLK will! Ha- ha! Thanks, dawg! Copy. Paste. Take that, ranklers! Damn, that paragraph is fresh. Like a marble bust I sculpturized myself. Speaking of bust: man, that muffin was rich. Better hurry this up. Copy. Paste. Take that, too, ranklers! Copy. Paste. And that! Send! Nap time!
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