Hey, Ohio, Let's Secede!


Lest you think the rancor and hatred of the election season is slipping away quietly like Josh Mandel sneaking back to his tree fort in silence, check in with the petition drives posted on WhiteHouse.gov seeking support for various states to secede from the United States of America.

Yes, the reelection of President Obama is a sure sign that it’s high time to get the hell out of Dodge, or ’Murica in this case, because the only reasonable response to a democratic election — the foundation on which this fine country of ours was established — not going your way is to leave. And if you can’t leave, just take some scissors to the state lines.

Ohio is one of 30 states represented, alongside longtime stalwarts of rational decision-making and tempered reaction like Texas. Over 4,500 people have signed the petition, which was started by a fine American named “Bryan R of Cleveland, OH.”

It begins: “Ohio became the 17th state admitted to the Union in 1803 and it presently has a population and economy larger than that of Switzerland. John F. Kennedy once stated ‘Those who make peaceful revolution impossible make violent revolution inevitable,’ and in that spirit it is just and proper that the opportunity for peaceful political change be given to the citizens of the states.”

You can tell this idea has merit and the writer has thought this out because he quoted someone famous and looked up three facts on Wikipedia.

What gives you the impression this is a bad idea, though? It’s a dandy one, as far as we’re concerned. Like Bryan R, we’re confident that we can maintain a friendly relationship with the USA once the cord is cut. We may be angry, but not angry enough to unfriend America on Facebook.

Sure, there are logical and logistical problems in becoming a sovereign nation. For instance, Cincinnatians would need a passport to head across the river to Covington, KY, which is the only livable place in Cincinnati. But there’s plenty of upside and reason to forge bravely ahead. First of all, there would be a new office — President of Ohio — that Josh Mandel hasn’t run for yet. So that would give Joshy a reason to leave his tree fort.

We can trade fresh perch for Middle East oil, finally get President Taft on some currency (along with Jerry Springer, we imagine), and set up a whole bunch of cool embassies in other countries like England. And someday, those embassies can become wine stores and spawn Applebees-style spinoff restaurants to draw American tourists with uninspired pirogies and chili.

If that hasn’t already convinced you to sign the petition, you can just get the hell out of our United State of Ohio and never come back.

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