Homo Police Blotter for the Week

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Homo Police
The Homo Police Blotter for the week of January 21, 2007: Homo Police arrested Jim Simpson, 24, of North Royalton at Border's Book Store, after shoppers alerted security that he was in the self-help aisle, leafing through a copy of a Suze Orman book. Simpson claimed he was merely seeking financial advice from the female investment guru, yet his alibi fell apart after he admitted reading Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul while in high school. Frank Miller, 31, of Lakewood, was pulled over by the Homo Police on Lake Road on suspicion of driving a hybrid Toyota Prius while jamming to Michael Buble. A roadside gay test showed that he knew the titles to 10 songs by The Fray, which is 10 times over the legal limit. He was booked on charges of aggravated gayness and is awaiting deportation to Johnny Mango's. A Cleveland Heights man called the Homo Police to report that his best friend was exhibiting disturbing behavior. According to the man, his friend once baked his girlfriend a cake for her birthday. Police trailed the couple to Beachwood Mall, where the man was spotted holding his girlfriend's Express bag while she picked out a scarf for him at the Gap. The complainant declined to press charges, electing to handle the matter privately. Several patrons of Regal Cinemas at Crocker Park reported two men sitting next to each other during a matinee of the romantic comedy Holiday. Homo Police approached the men, questioning them about the whereabouts of their girlfriends. "Um, it's a good movie?" said one man. The men left the theater without incident, and were safely escorted to a showing of Apocalypto. -- Jared Klaus

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