How often do you think about sex? What’s the role of sexual fantasy in your life?
I think about sex easily two or three times a week. Sometimes less, sometimes more. Usually, I think about sex when I'm doing dishes, because the soapsuds remind me of slick vaginal secretions. If I were to start using a dishwasher, my sex life would disappear.
What attracts you to someone first?
The uncontrolled twitching and spontaneous verbalization.
What’s the worst pick-up line you’ve ever tried or heard? What was the best?
Worst: I'm having a party in my pants, and you're invited. Best: I have a puppy in my van. Would you like to see it?
Do you use porn? What types? Do you watch alone, or with a partner?
I do use porn. Anything involving fruit or vegetables. My favorite is with stewed tomatoes. I do tend to watch alone, after I've been to the grocery store and hung out in the produce section. If I watch with a partner, it will be a pumpkin, or perhaps an aubergine.
Define cheating. Have you ever?
Cheating is, like, when you have the bottoms of the pockets on your trenchcoat cut out such that you can pleasure yourself on the subway without opening up the coat. I mean, what's the point, right? Did I cheat? Well, I did engage in a little frottage with a summer squash once, in my Mom's vegetable patch.
Do you consider yourself a good lover? Explain.
No. I'm a good "liker", 'cuz I like lots of things, but I don't think that people are really capable of loving inanimate objects, even if they are nice and ripe.
What are you most afraid that a partner might think about you?
That I'm going to give up being vegetarian.
After sex, have you ever asked yourself, How did I wind up here? How did you?
Usually, if I have to ask how I wound up there, I can attribute it to alcohol. On the other hand, several of my partners wound up with me because I bought them at a cattle auction.
Do you have something you’d like to say or confess, to a past or present lover?
Nice doggie. Sit. Roll Over. That's right, there you go.
What’s the biggest surprise you’ve ever had while getting it on?
That some types of plants are hermaphroditic.
What do you know now that you wish you’d known earlier?
How to make a good Potatoes au Gratin — and how inexpensive produce is at the West Side Market.
What’s the kinkiest thing you’ve ever done?
Well, there was this time at band camp, and a lonely bassoon...
What's the kinkiest thing you'd try if the opportunity arose?
The percussion section of the Cleveland Orchestra
Describe a sex dream you remember vividly.
Well, there was this time at band camp, and a lonely bassoon, except there was also a slightly jealous oboe, and a silver flute with a really, really difficult embouchure.
Oddest random thought you’ve had during sex.
This would be tasty with some fava beans and a nice Chianti!
What’s the best music for getting it on?
Anything by John Philip Sousa
What’s your favorite sex scene from a mainstream movie? Why?
I'd have to say the dancing Hippos in tutus from Walt Disney's Fantasia, followed closely by the scene in The Day of the Jackal where the assassin tests his ordnance on a watermelon.
Sexiest novel?
Either Bleak House by Dickens, or Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo. He was blacklisted, you know. Probably for writing such filth.
Committed folks: What’s your advice for keeping the passion alive?
Cryogenics. Freeze it until it can be revived and fixed.
What’s the most important sex-related lesson you’d like to teach the world?
A cholera ward is not the greatest place for anal sex.
