Inside J.D. Vance’s Plan to Out-Mandel Josh Mandel

Share on Nextdoor
click to enlarge J.D. Vance - Gage Skidmore/FlickrCC
Gage Skidmore/FlickrCC
J.D. Vance

The scene: A strategy session of the J.D. Vance for Senate Inc. campaign, at the stately manor of a billionaire tech mogul.

Vance: “Men, we have to face it: This venture capitalist as voice of the angry white Ohioan thing just isn’t working for us. Josh Mandel is killing us in the polls.”

Henchman No. 1: “Josh is so dreamy. He’s like Ryan Seacrest meets Kid Rock.”

Henchman No. 2: “I want to have his baby.”

Vance: “Men, we all want to have Josh’s baby. Be that as it may, we still have to stop this juggernaut. I’m a millionaire financier, damnit. I deserve a U.S. Senate seat.”

Henchman 1: “What are you thinking, boss? A smear campaign on his military service? Maybe tie him to Hillary’s pedophile ring?”

Vance: “I’m thinking we go old school. Roll out some ideas, a platform. Josh will never see it coming.”

Henchmen in unison: “Nooooo!

Henchman 1: “Sir, nothing makes you more RINO than having ideas. Any hint of substance and voters will think you’re working for ISIS.”

Henchman 2: “He’s right, J.D. This campaign calls for outrage and attack. The only way we win this thing is to out-Mandel Josh Mandel.”

Vance: “But Josh is perfectly devoid of substance! He’s even doing Chinese bioweapons and library story time now! How can I compete with that?”

Henchman 2: “Josh is a total thirst trap.”

Henchman 1: “At least we have the Marjorie Taylor Greene endorsement. We’re already up 5 points among evangelicals whose biggest concern is the Jews.

Henchman 2: “And you’re getting much better at race-baiting, boss. That tweet about LeBron being ‘one of the most vile public figures in the country’ really resonated with middle-aged white guys who think no one in the NBA plays defense anymore.”

Henchman 1: “I hate to say it, J.D., but you’re going to have to fully commit to debasing yourself. Voters think you’re just pretending to be unstable to win the election.”

Henchman 2: “He’s right, sir. Compared to Josh, you’re a $10 Kate Spade purse.”

Vance: “Nonsense! Josh is a career politician from Beachwood! I’m a Yale Law School graduate turned venture capitalist! Who better speaks for the disposed white man?!”

Henchman 2: “What if we push the envelope, sir? Come out with something bold. Something Josh would never think of. I’m just spit-balling here, but say we came out against motherhood. The tagline: ‘Mothers: Isn’t it time they pulled their weight?’”

Vance: “Wouldn’t their husbands object?

Henchman 1: “Not according to our polling, J.D. For the typical Republican man, hating on women is his No. 1 issue.”

Henchman 2: “Think about it, sir. Who’s responsible for abortion, violence in our schools, pant suits and women’s sports? Mothers, that’s who. When it comes to raising our children, they’re just phoning it in.”

Henchman 1: “The party’s been inching toward this for years, J.D. But no one has the balls to just come out and say it. Josh would wet his pants.”

Vance: “Henchman No. 3, you’re head of our women’s auxiliary. What sayeth you?”

Henchman 3: “As the only woman on this campaign, I think—”

Henchman 1: “What No. 3 is trying to say is that she’ll meekly acquiesce to whatever the men decide.”

Vance: “Great, No. 3. That’s exactly the kind of feedback I was looking for. Could you run along and fetch us some Frappuccinos? The men are talking here.”

Henchman 2: “I can already see the commercial, J.D. It opens with the usual touchstones: An unread Bible. A stockpile of weapons. A giant American flag waving over a Perkins.”

Henchman 1: “Then the music turns dark. Black-and-white footage appears of mothers doing everything except mothering. Leading a board meeting. Performing surgery. Laughing with friends at a wine bar. The voiceover comes in: ‘The average U.S. marriage lasts 8.2 years. Josh Mandel’s lasted 12. Can we really trust him to fight the woke mob?”

Henchman 2: “And here’s the best part, J.D. It ends with the camera slowly zooming in on you. You’re kicked back in a recliner. A blank stare on your face. A bald eagle eats hotdog crumbs off your shirt.

Henchman 1: “And you're doing and contributing nothing!”

Henchman 2: “That's the key, boss. It says to the base, ‘I hear you. I see you. I’m one of you!’”

Henchman 1: “Sayonara, Josh!”

Vance: “You know, boys… this plan is so crazy it just might work!”

Henchman 1: “Should we get the unpaid interns on it, sir?”

Vance: “Sorry, men, but this is a job for No. 3. All she does is fetch Frappuccinos. It’s time she pulled her weight around here.”
Scroll to read more Cleveland News articles


Join Cleveland Scene Newsletters

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.